Letting Go

Letting things go is not my strong suit. Thus, I am working on it. For example, I have a hard time letting go not being able to find the “perfect” outfit in the morning. It is silly things sometimes, and sometimes it is important things. I have not let go of times where I was bullied in middle school or university, and at work. Recently, one of my sisters said you need to learn to let things go. It happened; you are not that person anymore, so move on. Well, I have tried, but it has affected who I am today.

As I read the Bible, I also research it to make sure that I understand the meaning. One of the lessons from Judges 2 is that Christians go through a cycle of being in bondage -> delivered -> blessed and back over again. However, because Christians are filled with the Holy Spirit, this should not be our cycle. So, as I reviewed my life, I saw that I fit in this cycle. Every time, I was in bondage (being bullied), then delivered (to a new class, role, project), then blessed (passing with A’s, gaining skills, networking opportunities, etc.). But the question is, how do I stop this cycle? I decided that not only do I start by letting go, but I have to set boundaries.

That is what all of these instances have in common. I have always been a soft-spoken person who never needed to speak up because my family did it for me. I never had to fight, physically or mentally, because they handled that for me. I never had to make decisions because they were already made for me. And today, I find myself wishing that I had done these things from the beginning because if I had, then I would not be this person today.

Wishing, hoping, should haves, could haves, are in the past. Today marks a new day, and I am going to fight. I am going to fight to set boundaries and stick to them. I will fight to make sure I have a place in the room and at the table. I will fight against my emotions, feelings, and fears when they try and talk me out of standing up for myself. And most importantly, I am going to let go.

I have forgiven those people today. I forgive them because I know that I am the only one still holding on to these times that I felt disrespected, hurt, abandoned, lonely, and betrayed. I will remember how it felt, so I have the determination not to feel those feelings again.

This is the last time I will be talking about the manager that disrespected me because, like that cycle, I have been delivered to a new role and blessed with a better manager and team. This past Monday marked my last week with my micro-managing disrespectful boss, so I was hopeful that it would go uneventful. However, on Thursday, my last day, because I was off today, she says your “work is wrong” and “I have to do it all over and provide an accurate analysis.” So, I replied, “okay.” Why did I say “okay”? because I will not let her insecurities, weakness, low-confidence, and inabilities become a part of who I am.

I know that my work is good. I don’t have to prove that to her. If my analyses were incorrect, then why did she suddenly, on my last day bring this to my attention? I do not have to prove that I am bigger, stronger, more intelligent, and more connected than she is, because she already knows. That’s why she called me every day or sent me an instant message every day, asking for assistance.

On Monday, I start my new role with a team that appreciates what I have to offer, and that recognizes my skills are perfect to handle the problems they have to solve. When she reaches out to me, I will not respond. I will choose not to interact with someone who only brings negativity and dishonesty. If my work is wrong, then hopefully, she can find the right answers through her own work.

I’ve learned through my relationship with her that I’m stronger, more confident, and more capable than the problems she tried to put on me. I have learned to wait for the right time and recognize when that time is now to have conversations about boundaries. As I move forward, I will not carry the chains and restrictions that she tried to impose on me; those are not my chains to hold. I will continue to be the person that she despises because of her self-inflicted thoughts. Those feelings towards me have no power over me. I am bigger than she thought, and she thinks.

I have learned to talk to my emotions, feelings, and fears (some conversations are longer than others), but I have learned to quiet them down and remind them that I’m going to fight today! I’m going to stand up today! I’m going to be Rhonda today, unapologetically! I learned that being ready, mentally, emotionally, and physically for the worst means I will be unafraid to walk away and not acknowledge foolishness. However, I will tell you that if I decide to talk to her when she reaches out to me, I will say to her figure it out as I am in another role. The words I will use are harassing, hostile, and bullying. I bet then she will figure it out, and if through her immaturity she does not, I will send our recorded conversation to her manager and HR. They can assist her in finding the proper way of treating people with respect.

I look forward to this new team and its challenges, my continued growth, and learnings. I know there will be days where I have to stand up for myself at work, and I will. There will be times where we disagree as a team, but I will make sure that the disagreements with me respectably take place and that I voice my concerns at that moment. I may also talk to my emotions, feelings, and fears at that moment if I have not mastered putting them to rest already and let them know that: Today, I’m going to Fight!

No one’s thoughts, feelings, comments, recommendations, or insecurities will place chains on me or hold me down. After all, I will be disencumbering my chains by setting boundaries.

***Thank you for the word “hostile” ***