I will be focusing on healing my deep lacerations, so those cuts serve as another reminder as to how God assisted me in overcoming them rather than placing a band-aid to cover those deep wounds. Many people have filleted me so many times that it is a wonder as to how there is still skin and muscles covering my bones. The coverage that I have is what I have managed to collect after the ordeal of peeling my body apart was over. That is how Rhonda was made by man and being made. Every day, someone in some shape or fashion cuts me open a little and takes pieces of me, and whatever is left is what I manage to pull back up into the spots that they cut into. My heart is frequently heavy and acts as if it cannot make it. But, I remind it that it has been cut, bruised, smashed, and damaged since the day I arrived. Yet, I am still here.  

I have prayed that my enemies that come to engulf my heart and spirit perish or at least move somewhere else before I perish from the pain that I experience. Every time, God blesses me, and my enemies go somewhere else. I have tried to place my heart in a steel box, but the box is more like a perforated wooden box that is impacted by the elements. The result is that my heart still bleeds out in anguish. I feel like I am forever caught in torment.

As I mentioned that I am working on breaking the boundaries that were laid on me, but it is not easy. I find myself returning to the way that I was because that’s what everyone expects. I am tired of being what everyone expects but that is all I have ever been. I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced this or is experiencing this.  I am tired and it is tiring. Who do I want to be? I do not know but I know that I want to be free to do whatever it is that I want to do. What is stopping me? My heart. I have deep feelings of remorse when I do not do something that someone wants me to do. I have true regret saying no when people expect me to say yes.

My heart causes me to fall in line with what others expect of me. I want to scream but it is not acceptable or something that I should because it shows that I do not have it all together. So instead, I internally sulk because I am too afraid to break the chain to even scream out loud. I smile on the outside and act as if I have it together. I fall apart on the inside but on the outside look immaculate. I rebelled once and sit in deep regret still to this day.

I rebelled by going natural. Honestly, I was tired of doing my hair and the expectations that people had that it has to look a certain way. Thus, I said, I am going natural, and I will do nothing with it because it is natural. This hair thing is more work than putting in a relaxer, parting it to the side, and moving on with my life. Sure, it burned for 5 to 10 minutes depending on how coarse it was but then it was over. This once again proves that someone else knew me better than me or that someone else was right in dictating my life. Everything gets to me. Little or big, it gets to my heart, and it sits there forever, I never forget. My heart does not let me, it just sits there. I forgive I think or maybe I get over it as I have been doing for so many years. 

I remember times when my dad’s family never came to pick me up for a family reunion after promising that they would. I use the term dad loosely, he would be better described as my mom’s sperm donor. I cannot recall him at all in person, only stories of how he spoiled me. Apparently, around the time I would have been old enough to remember him, he had run away to chase his addiction. I was so little, but I remember. I waited, I was so happy to take a trip to meet all the cousins that I have never met and play all day, but they never came. That cut me deeply. That day I remember being disappointed and crying. Then it was over and I moved forward, covering that disappointment with a band-aid. I remember I had gotten older and I went over to visit them, when I could drive, I do not know why, or what I was going to say or do, but when I got there they were not home. I thank God that they were not home, because how many other times would I have been lied to or disappointed? I was told that they asked about me once and I instructed that person not to share my information with them. I do not want to add any more garbage to my life than I already have. To this day, my heart hurts to recall that instance because it hurt me so deeply. I learned that family does not mean much.

There were times when I was determined to not live off the social system and get a job. Knowing that I was trying to make it, I was directed to get refund checks from school as a way to pay my bills and survive. Well, later I learned that it was also a way for me to provide a free living status to the person that directed me to do so. Family does not mean much. Today, my education debt is way higher than it should be because at the time I did not understand that big refund checks meant more money due back to the State who provided the loans. You live and you learn.

I put a band-aid over that instance and moved forward, again not knowing if I had truly forgiven that person or if I just kept going. That’s how I am even today, I just keep going, until my heart feels like it will stop or tells me to stop moving for a minute.

I do my best to be a honest person and live my life as I believe God intended me to live. Once I tried to steal a candy bar when I was younger but got caught and that ended my thieving days. I am glad it did, as I do not want to be as others are. I used to try to lie but my mom would always catch me in a lie, so I am not a good liar to this day. I am glad I am not as I do not want to be like others. I am not perfect by any means but I do my best to be an honest person and live right. The only thing I have ever gotten in return is heartaches, headaches, and body aches that leave me feeling crippled. And yet, I crawl on, until I can stand to walk on.

I just keep going. Placing band-aids over the injuries that I have received. It will be painful to tear these covers off and I do not know what I am hoping to discover or become but this may be what I need to truly heal. I wonder if my heart will continue to never let me forget the way I felt during those experiences.

There is so much that I carry in my heart. Such as the time when a family member suggested I sold my body to make ends meet. I could not believe it, my heart ached for a while just thinking how could that person suggest that to me, knowing that I have never experienced the world in that manner or know where to start. I have forgiven that person for so many trespasses and yet, I go back to that person for professional advice. When I look around, all I have are these people that call themselves my family, perhaps that is why my heart aches and never lets me forget.

It may be time to truly separate. People do it every day. My heart has a lot of wounds that need to heal and I will be working on peeling off those band-aids slowly. Once the band-aid is off, I will clean it with peroxide and alcohol, put Neosporin on it and wrap it up for a day or two then let the air heal it. It is time to get to the root of my problems and stop masking them. I pray that I am strong enough to do so and that it will result in disencumbering my chains.  

Sharing my mantras as of late. The mantra that I choose depends on the situation that I am facing.

1. I am not going to stress my edges
2. Just put one foot in front of the other, it will all work out
3. Do not back down, you got this!
4. Do what makes me happy, I have to live with the decision
5. Nothing is worth me dying faster
6. It is, what it is
7. Life is too short to be ___________ (fill in the blank)
8. Only God can determine my worth

Over the last week, God has been so good to me. My refrigerator has been going out for the past two weeks and I have not had any food for the past month! But you know, God is my provider. My mom goes to the store with her coupons and will get two bags of fries and call me and say, I have one bag and you will need to come and get the other bag, not knowing that I did not have any food. I reluctantly go and get it, telling her to keep it for when she needs fries later. Through encounters like that God has been providing me with meals daily. I may not have lunch every day or a full breakfast but there has always been enough food to sustain me and keep me going. So, I went to Sears and my sister bought us a refrigerator! I thank God that she was able because I have been in a tight spot for the past four months now. Every time I think I see the way out, something else happens and it diverts my resources.

God has healed me! Honestly, He keeps proving it to me daily. I went to get my hemoglobin checked (my normal three-month appointment) and again it increased. A normal person’s hemoglobin sits between 12 g/dL to 17 g/dL, mine used to sit at 6.2 and if it got any lower, I would have to get three pints of blood. Well, it has been increasingly higher and higher, not to normal levels but to its highest level yet, 7.8! That is incredible because I have not undertaken additional treatments or medications, but yet here I am at a 7.8. I have been feeling great, still with light headaches but overall, my health is great! My doctor, who is also religious, said, I would like to take the credit but I haven’t done anything. I looked at him and mentioned that he aided me with managing this disease, so feel free to take a little credit. He smiled and said, “I don’t know, there isn’t anything for me to do!” Many cannot understand how it feels to hear a hematologist speak those words. Who knows, I may be the first person who had Sickle Cell and eventually reached normal hemoglobin levels. God completes miracles daily.

Then I went to the dentist and received news that I may need to get a tooth pulled, a crown, or a root canal, depending on what I think is best. Everyone in my extended family has dental issues. They do not have teeth, or they have rotted out. They had broken crowns and dental diseases, I thought about how genetics play a part in your health and then I told my sister and she assured me that if I could face Sickle Cell Anemia, I will face this dental work that may not even need to happen. I thought about how easy it is to panic and lose sight of Jesus’ hand like Peter lost his focus on Jesus and nearly drowned. I thank God that I have someone there to keep me focused on Jesus and his never-ending grace and mercy. I am blessed, I will not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow carries its own problems and tests. My teeth are fine now, so I will focus on the next thing, God’s blessings!

As far as my job goes, I have been looking for a new one and found two that are willing to pay me $20k more than I am currently earning. Do not tell me what my God will not do. One is working for a ropes company and the other is working with a cigarette company. Both positions are good ones, but I have been praying for guidance as I do not want to be in my next company for less than five years. I am ready to settle somewhere. A place where I am not pigeonholed into one task but where I am free to continue to grow and a place where I like showing up. A place where the co-workers are not so bad, and the management is supportive. It seemed like both places are like that but I know when people are trying to sell you a role, it always seems perfect. I know that no place is perfect, so I ask God where I should be.

My hair is doing well! I am so excited to buy some scarves so I can start wrapping it up in different ways. I have to start working on combing it out more as it stays extremely tangled and it makes me cringe just thinking about combing it out. My confidence level in wearing it out as it comes is increasing but I think my sisters have anxiety about letting me wear it freely. We were raised in a society where straight hair is appropriate for everyone. Black women have been doing a good job fighting for natural hair, but do my sisters think that it is neat enough to wear in the workplace or public? I will have to break that thought within my own family as I will choose to wear my hair neatly wild. Today, for example, it is fluffy, wavy, and combed out, with neat twists on the sides (my sister thought this was best, as it looks neat). I was opting for the fluffy, wavy, combed-out, hair-all-over-my-head look. I keep telling her, I have to increase my confidence, so I can wear the scarves that I will eventually order, and she agrees. But I have a feeling that she will be dictating what is neat and acceptable to society. I know she loves me! I thank God that she does not let me go out into the world looking crazy but it may be time to redefine what are acceptable hairstyles for me to wear as I am natural now.

God is ever-present in everything that I do and everywhere I am, and I thank Him for that! When things are tough, like a charge comes through on my bill credit card that I did not expect, or if a bill does not take the money when they are supposed to out of my account and now the money has been spent on something else, I get angry and anxious but I remember who is in control. I do my best to let it go and let God. He is my provider, after all. 

My mom said something to me the other day that I have adopted into my spirit. She said, “you know, I try to see the good in every situation.” I asked God to help me do that and I believe He has. I have taken that to heart and even asked God to assist me in learning the lessons He is trying to teach me. It is easier said than done but with practice, this will become a habit and make me a better person.

Personal Freedom:

I had to put my photography class on hold as other pressing items took precedence. However, I have not given up taking pictures. I recently photographed a field that was filled with fog. Hopefully, very soon I will be able to take that course and get confident in the scenes that I capture.

I am planning my next vacation. I will be going back to Costa Rica! It was so much fun when I went to study abroad while being in university that I have always wanted to get back there. Pura Vida! I cannot wait to enjoy the hot springs, hike the volcano, shop in the mall, visit the black sand beach, and zipline, and walk across the swinging bridge again! I can still so vividly remember the sights and sounds of the jungle, the rain every day at 1 pm during the summer, and taste the food. It was so freeing and unlike anything that I had experienced before. Needless to say, I am so excited to finally be getting back there.

My hair is still growing and kind of doing its own thing. Instead of stressing about it or anything that I cannot control, I repeat my mantra: “I am not losing my edges over this!” Believe it or not, it is working. I still have my edges. I have to go and get the ends cut off as it is the last of the relaxer in my hair, then hopefully it will start to grow into a healthy afro or something. It does not seem to be soft but more dry and brittle feeling. It is becoming easier to manage most days. On the other days, I just put my hair in ponytails or wear a headband. I need to buy scarves so that I can wrap this hair on its very wild days.

Financial Freedom:

I continue to dig myself from under the debt that I carry. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am set on the motto: “if you do not have the cash to buy it, then leave it.” Once I pay off these credit cards and loans, I am going to invest! I am going to learn how to invest and build a diverse portfolio and achieve financial wealth.

Religious Freedom:

I continue to do my best to put God first in all things that I do. Some days are better than others and when I feel lost like two weeks ago, God has a way of speaking to me and calling me back before I go too astray. I thank Him for that. I thank God that I belong to Him and that He knows my name. Many days I go back to my experience in Cuba and how they are not allowed to gather and praise God in public, but yet, they do. Jesus says in Luke 9:26, “For whosoever shall be ashamed of me and of my words, of him shall the Son of Man be ashamed.” That verse reminds me along with that experience that there is no place here on this earth in which I cannot raise my arms and rejoice in the Lord.

Rejoice in all things, for it all works out for my good. Yes, even the things I view as bad or negative. 

Professional Freedom:

I am looking forward to being free from my current position into one that is more challenging and creates more financial freedom. I look forward to a growing successful business. I have decided to step back and start over with this business. I am going to fall in love first with what I am trying to build. I let go because I lost the love and passion for it, due to it being too stressful or hard to maintain. Thus, I have to go back to the reason why I started it in the first place: I love taking pictures and sharing them with the people around me. That is what excited me to go out to the locations around me and be present while capturing moments. I realized it no longer was fun because it became something that I felt like I had to do. Well, I just want to go back to having fun doing what I love, capturing God’s beauty on a canvas to share with others.

Not only will I focus on the business to create an income stream but also focus on finding a role in which I am excited. God is good and I will find my place in a company making a difference and enjoying the work that I do.

What a whirlwind the past week has been. In the past week, my body had begun to act out in ways that were unfamiliar to me. I felt like I lost my mind, lost control of my body, lost control of my life, and lost sight of my values and God.

I had thorns poking me internally and was bleeding out in every aspect of my life. I did not want anyone to see the pain I was in or my gashes, so I hid them with smiles, laughs, and conversation with a peppy tone as if all things were okay. I took physical medicine to slow the painful bleeding and heal the gashes, but yet, they remained. Nothing worked. Finally, someone noticed that I was cut and bruised because it was getting harder to hide the pain I was feeling and suggested going to the hospital. I refused and spoke to God, not out of necessity but out of wonder, of what I did wrong to bring this pain to my body.

I know many will not believe what I am about to write and that is okay. I will continue to pray that everyone one day will hear and recognize the voice of the Lord. On Thursday, January 26^th, 2023, as I was walking up my stairs, I heard the Lord tell me, “stop saying you do not know who you are”, before I could reply, He said, “confusion is one of the devil’s weapons.” I pondered that warning and thought about those in the Bible who were unsure of their mission, identity, and how God set them free. I thought about my values and then the voice came again and said, “the problem is that your values do not align with your life.”

Many times, I have heard people say when their values did not align with their lives they were unhappy, unfulfilled, and were not living as they felt they should.

Every Saturday, my mom and I have Bible Study at 10 am. My pains were lightening up by now but were still present. When we joined the call, we began to talk about everything I was going through and the things she was going through. Then she began to pray, and I received and claimed my healing; by the time, the prayer was over, she felt better and so did I. No pain was present, and I searched my body for it. I would like to say that I was not tricked into feeling like I do not know who Rhonda is, but I was.

I know who I am, however, I am on a journey to find out what I enjoy as hobbies, not my identity. 

2022 Mother’s Day impacted me a little differently than it normally does. It was not because my mom had changed but because of a gift I received. I am a pet parent. I have a teenage cat-daughter who is moody and very vocal about what she likes and does not. I have a little puppy girl that has her terrible moments but knows how to butter me up to get what she wants, yes, I am a sucker for cuteness.

Anyways, my mom gifted me with pictures of me growing up. I am not sure if anyone will understand but I look at those pictures and do not recognize the “Rhonda” in those photos. I mean I remember the hairstyles, and the clothes, but not who I was as a person. I have always taken the identity that others have laid on me. This is a sad confession, but it is time that I face another truth, I do not know who I am.

Growing up, I have been called or thought of as many things. The top descriptors I have stepped into were weak, sickly, quiet, soft, and the pushover. As I have gotten older, the new descriptors I have stepped into were stronger than before, capable, smart, comedian, hypocrite, and different. I find myself continuing to wear the descriptors that people (my own family) lay on me. I have never known any different.

I recently heard someone say, “no one knows their purpose or what they want because they do not know themselves.” Well, hello, I am one of those people. I often ponder what is my purpose, what am I hear for, what did God save me for, and who am I. Things I know about myself:

• I often speak negatively to myself and do not give myself enough credit
• I punish myself for my spiritual failures and weaknesses, despite knowing that perfection will never be reached
• I give up when I cannot achieve something but will strive to do it anyway because it is another expectation or descriptor laid on me that I accept
• I do not know what I like or dislike, every experience has been okay because once again, it is another expectation or descriptor laid on me
• I feel that no one truly supports me, every time there is something new, I want to try, most respond with “okay, it is another thing you want to try, go ahead” as if it will end negatively
• The goals I create are unachievable because I allow others to keep me from reaching them
• I struggle with life
• I struggle with keeping God first
• I am curious to know what the world offers and want to live without thinking of spiritual consequences, but my mind or guilty conscious stops me
• I make up excuses for why I cannot do the things I yearn to do
• I know I am Christian and love the Lord God and Jesus Christ
• I started this blog as a way to clear my head of thoughts that were/are weighing on me and I need to get back to it weekly

Thus, I have to find out who Rhonda is and even who she wants to be. I have no aspirations as to who I even want to be. I know I want the following:

• To be wealthy not rich
• Be healthy to enjoy my wealth
• Happiness
• Friends outside of my family
• Freedom
• To travel
• Independence from everyone and everything

It is sad that at thirty-seven, I do not have an identity, and that I am made up of others’ thoughts and opinions, and projections of themselves. However, since I am not dead yet, it may not too late to find out who Rhonda is. I am going to start by taking myself out once a month and doing different things.

I am going to date myself, some ideas I have are dinner, mini-golfing, a gun range, hiking, walking, bowling, a bookstore, and stores. Maybe I do not even like these things, perhaps, I do them because others do them.

Once I know what I like and do not like, that will help me to define who Rhonda is and who she is not.  

Christmas went well, we ate and exchanged gifts. Even though I did not have a taste for the dinner we made, I ate it anyways. We laughed about the past and created new memories. I know that for many people November to January is a hard season; so many loved ones have passed on, which is why it is so important to love people while they are here. It is important to express your appreciation and hug them while they can accept it and hold you back. This event did not go without its lessons.

One lesson I learned is that I am too tender-headed for my mom to continue to braid my hair. I wanted to cry while she was braiding my hair but she was so happy that I endured the pain. Then she wanted to add rollers and they were painful but again I endured the pain until we took her home. Then I internally cried! Not because of the pain but because my hair will forever be tacky and unmanageable. I do not know how to do hair at all, I cannot even twist it correctly. I am frustrated because if I go back to relaxers then I have to endure the burning every time I put it in my head and if I continue to look this way, I will no longer be confident. I do not know what to do. So, until I do, I will leave it alone and cry about it nightly and in the day cry internally from the loss of confidence I worked so hard to gain.

A second lesson is that it is better to give than to receive. I am a giver by nature, I give whenever I can. I like to see the smile on people’s faces and watch their reactions as they are opening gifts. I do not get much satisfaction from receiving gifts. I think it is nice to receive one but I do not go crazy over it. Overall, Christmas was great.

As I approach the new year with my word dedication, I will be focused on Jesus with my heart wide open. I will leave the past behind with all of its negatives, I will not bring any garbage with me into 2023. We will continue to have Bible Study every Saturday at 10 am.

Just as I asked last year, I will ask this year. Join me by bringing in the New Year praying on our knees to Jesus Christ and Our Father God, as the Ball drops, that we all have a prosperous, joy-filled, blessed Year. May the Lord God continue to keep us all safe and bless every one of us.

Let us trust and believe God in all things and look to Him when we are in the valley and when we stand in His glory on the mountain. God is able, be sure to speak prosperity, love, peace, and all things positive over yourself, your family, your friends, your job, everything and everyone in your life, and the world.

Christmas is coming up! I am using this Christmas to reflect on my life. When I think about what Jesus Christ did for me, I wonder if this year showed Him that I was thankful, grateful, and any better than last year. Every year, I hope to get better, stronger, and more focused on my priorities. Well, how did I do?

Frankly, I got worse towards the latter part of this year. I started strong! I was focused, dedicated, and stayed on the straight and narrow. However, as time passed, I began to lose sight of my values, morals, and Jesus. Now, here I am telling myself that every day I live will be better than the day before, but am I? No, I have the same patterns, weaknesses, and struggles as I did yesterday. I know that nothing happens overnight, demons do not die or fade at once, it takes practice to face them and say, “not today” and refocus that energy in a positive direction. Although I have a long way to go, every day is an opportunity granted by God’s mercy for a chance to do a little better. I have noticed small progress but seeing from a big-picture view I have a long way to grow.

This year I have learned many things. I will highlight three. I have learned that material objects are replaceable but not the one life we have on this earth. My mom’s kitchen caught fire a few weeks ago, I may have mentioned it previously, but my only concern was her health and well-being. That stove was replaced in a week but how would I have replaced her if she had died in a house fire? Some years ago, my little sister was involved in an accident that flipped another car and she was scared to drive and still is scared to drive a car that makes noises or does not run as it should. A couple of months ago, we were driving through a construction zone, I was driving a different car in front of her and the car she was driving tire had a flat. The air was leaking quickly. She slowed down and had a small panic attack. Wonder if she panicked enough to stop in the middle of traffic or got hit by another car as she tried to get over to the shoulder due to fear. Tires are replaceable but not loved ones. Sure, I complained about the bad warranty on the stove that caught fire and the nail on the road, but I thanked and still thank God that I still have my mom and sister.

I learned that without Jesus I cannot do anything. This may seem obvious but for me, I can always tell when I stray too far. My days are bad, nothing goes right, and I have a depressed outlook on life. It is so sad that I stray in the first place but to lose sight of Jesus is painful. I have felt so alone this year at times, even in the company of my closest friends. I have felt like there is nothing worth living for despite everything going right, I have felt like the days blend without purpose or reason. I felt like I was just there as the entire world passed me by. Everyone around me is happy, and the sun is shining, yet there I was in a dark corner alone without even a slight glimmer of light. Then one day, I would whisper a prayer for help and still, it was like I was stuck in this dark space. So, I would reach out to my prayer partner, and she would pray for me, and a couple of days would go by with me still feeling like I was in this dark corner. And out of nowhere, I could hear a bird sing, or my dog would walk up to me and put her head on my lap, or my cat would cuddle extra close to me, and I would silently drop a couple of tears and a type of heat covers me and I can see a glimmer of light. I cannot quite explain it, but it is like watching the sun rise over a tree. First, it will just hit the bottom of the tree and rise until it covers the entire tree and everything around it, that is what the heat does to me. It starts small then creeps over my entire body a little at a time until I can see the life in everything around me and I know that it is God holding me close in his arms. Then I am no longer sitting in darkness but in a room full of light. I realize that life is never as bad as it seems but now and then darkness reaches me. But Jesus is my light and guide.

A final lesson that I will share is that being alone is not so bad sometimes. When I am at home, I am rarely physically alone. However, as of late, I enjoy the car ride to work alone, going to the store alone, going to church alone, and being at work alone. One day soon, I will take myself out on a date alone. I have encouraged my sister to go out and do things alone, like her hair or nails. It is okay to be alone, just be smart. As we continue to grow, we will understand that being alone does not mean being lonely or depressed, it just means taking time to breathe, which we all need.

One thing I most definitely need is the time to get my life back and re-focused on Jesus. As Christmas comes and goes, I want to look back at my life near Christmas 2023 and know that Jesus died for me because I lived and am living like I am worth it. Like last year, I will not make resolutions, as they never last, but I will focus on the word dedication. I will give everything I have, and focus all my efforts on loving Jesus enough to face and fight my demons so when Jesus calls, I will be ready.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!

As far as my hair goes, it is still a mess. I keep trying to water, oil and speak positively to it as if it is a plant but like my plants, it does not look like it will survive. Instead of my ends getting puffy and cute just the roots are expanding and as of today, my banana clip can no longer put up with the stress of trying to hold it. So, I go to work looking like I have not combed my hair in a week. I am embarrassed to show up most days, but it is how my bills are getting paid, so I muster the little confidence I have in my looks for the day and show up. I am going to run back to my mom to braid it despite my edges and middle becoming tender under the stress of the braids. Maybe this is a sign to go back to relaxers. I remember when I was a little younger and I tried to go natural, and all my hair would do is go into an afro. Today, I would be grateful if it returned to that afro as it is just a puffed mess sitting on top of my head with a couple of straight ends sticking out. It looks pathetic and that is how it makes me feel. Now and again, it will go into a cute style as if it is trying to revitalize my hope in my hair succeeding in its naturalness.

Work. Work is changing. I told my Director that I am applying internally for a different role, and he politely derailed the plan. He instead suggested that I shadowed the other department. This is fine, because he may have slowed down my plan to run to another role, but he cannot slow down the progress of networking. I reached out to the new department’s VP whom I met through a random conversation. We connected and I expressed my interest then he wanted to speak with my current Director, whom I spoke to first of course, and the plan: let Rhonda shadow your team first to make sure it is what she thinks it is. The Director approached me and said I spoke to the VP and asked that you shadow his team first. I was caught off guard but not shocked. I responded, ok and continued my work.

Then he called me into his office and said, “you know; I would like the projects completed before you transition.” In my mind, “what projects,” as if he read my thoughts, he named three IT projects that I have no control over their completion. I said “okay” and went to my desk to start planning my transition, if not into that other role with the VP, then somewhere else. As I said before, this is not it. I do not know how to complete this job, which may sound funny, but I accepted this job as a sourcing analyst and have not sourced one thing.

I was thinking about what I did in my last sourcing role and googling what sourcing analysts should be doing and my job does not align. I am instead sending emails and saving files to SharePoint. In my former sourcing role, it was clear, but it was also commodity specific. It revolved around finding vendors, expressing the company’s needs, asking for samples, getting feedback from that category team, and either signing them onboard or finding a different supplier. This role is so different.

It is not category or commodity specific. I am not involved with finding suppliers, letting them know the company’s needs, asking for samples, getting feedback from internal stakeholders, or onboarding them. I have no idea what I am doing in this role. I am frustrated and struggling. I need to get out of this role, sourcing for this company is not the role for me. I do not enjoy this work.

Personal freedom. I am taking photography lessons to provide myself with a little escape from the real world into a world of beauty and daydreaming. I am excited and wondering if by spending this money if my priorities are in the right place, but I do not care right now. I deserve to do something I enjoy. I need to provide myself with a little glimpse of freedom and peace. Who would have thought that reaching peace would also mean fighting to enjoy it? The lessons have been rescheduled twice; I am glad I have not paid for the lessons yet. They start December 30^th, so we will see how they go.

I always enjoyed putting puzzles together, so I have started a 1,000-piece puzzle that has been delivering eustress. Today, I went to work and found out that my dog devoured the pieces off the table, there was no evidence to be found. Really??? Yes, she did. Yes, she did. Now, I will have to buy a new one and start over. It only took me 5 days to figure out 98% of the border, with help. There were only two pieces that did not fit… only two pieces. I am thanking God that I still have a job, that I have options for a new role, that I have a table to put my new puzzle on, and that I have hair. Life is not that bad all-in-all. Christmas is coming up, which means at least remembering why I am here in the first place; to glorify Jesus Christ, and to remember all the things that Jesus saved me from True Hell! Life can give glimpses of Hell but thank the Lord, that life will not always be Hell. All things shall pass, even my struggle with this hair.

 Starting new things is hard. I think I wrote something similar before, which means that starting new things does not get any easier despite the number of times you are starting something new.

My new goal to start is to reach my full potential. Well, how am I going about it? I am taking it one day at a time. I may be frustrated about the new thing on Monday and okay with it by Tuesday. The key is to just keep focused and keep trying. Don’t give up… it will work out.

I am focusing on three new goals beginning today:

1. Reaching my natural hair’s full potential
2. My full work potential
3. Achieving Freedom in many aspects of my life

I am so glad that I am able to share this journey with all of you.

My Natural Hair’s Full Potential

So, on August 14^th I got my last perm. It lasted three months. There it was the last time my hair would be pin-straight and highly manageable. I was happy to announce to the people that I knew that I would now be going natural. Embracing my natural curls and waves. Then November 18^th came around and I looked in the mirror and announced to my roommate that I will be returning to perms. LOL. My hair was so dry, so tangled, and I could not comb through it with my fingers. I stood in front of the mirror and looked in horror at my hair. The honeymoon phase was over, it was time to either embrace this natural mess I had on my head or go back to the perm.

I chose to stick it out! I washed this mess, conditioned this mess, and put many oils on this mess. And when I was done, it still looked like, a mess. So, I decided to turn to the only person in the world who could help me at this point! My MOM!!! I drove so fast an hour and a half away to have her braid it. I did this for weeks until my edges turned tender. Then I had to give the braids a break. Once again, I washed, conditioned, oiled, and conditioned once more my hair and twisted it. Today, I feel pretty, like my natural hair is finally loving me back.

Lessons I learned:

1. Nothing is ever easy if you really want it
2. “Do not be so quick to give up, show love, and love will be received” (Roommate)
3. Pray over all things (believe I was and am praying the Lord God Almighty continues to grow and make my hair more and more manageable for me)

My Full Work Potential

I have been at this place of employment for a year and a month now. In the beginning, it was great. My Manager appreciated the work I did and trusted me to complete my work without micromanagement. My Manager and I spoke daily, multiple times a day about projects, tasks, life, and anything else in-between. It reminded me of the relationships with managers I had in the past that were amazing. I loved this job and my role and was proud of the work I completed. Then came my review and I found out what the Manager thought of me. It was the Manager that suggested that my work was exceptional, that fed me the confidence needed to score myself so high and then I realized the Manager may have felt that way about me but was either too afraid or too insecure to admit it on paper. Remember, I wrote about my review and the exceptional grading I know I deserved versus the meets expectations grading the Manager felt I deserved, so I will not go back there. Anyways, after that moment my role was reduced to that of an assistant. My work is mundane and repetitive. We no longer talk longer than two to three minutes a day; sometimes we do not talk at all in a day. I am not upset about the Manager’s misunderstanding of the grading, I make small efforts to have a conversation asking about the Manager’s hobby or sharing something I did over the weekend but it’s all forced and I can feel it.

I know that I am a rare worker to find. I actually want to work, I want to be productive throughout the day, and I want to pick up projects. So, why haven’t I? Well, I find something and present it to the Manager, who either says, “don’t worry about that” or “right now, we need to focus on…”. Leaving me at a loss for finding meaningful work.

The theme seems to be that companies hire me because I have many skills and talents, and once I am hired, I prove that I am able to make a difference in their practices, processes, or create a new way of accomplishing a task. However, once I have impacted them positively, and received accolades from people whom I have never met, the manager feels insecure or challenged by my unquestionable progress within the first year. And when comes time for reviews they by some strange fate never provide me with the markings I earned. I then get tasks that are equivalent to an administrator. It is no secret that I am normally the only female on these teams, perhaps, that is why I am getting assigned these tasks. Well, I do not make a great secretary, I am a data analyst that happens to be great at her job. So great that I am the only one on this current team that receives requests from the Leadership Team to provide them with cost analysis, financial analysis, and/or competitor research information. Whose fault is it that I happened to have been blessed to be born a female with amazing talents and skills?  

Well, I am not the group’s scheduler or planner. If I am able to manage my calendar so, can they. How did they do it before I was here? That is what they need to go back to, they look at me crazy when I tell them they can arrange meetings or other administrative requests they ask of me. Luckily, this is not the only place in the world where I could work, so I will look for my next place of employment.

Lessons I learned:

1. Don’t give up on finding a place in the workforce where I fit
2. Man does not justify my worth (it took me a while to realize this one)
3. This may be a calling for me to do something else, perhaps focus on my business
4. It is time to get serious about saving my money so that I have a cushion for the day, in which I say I quit or get fired
5. Pray through all things, the easy days as well as the hard ones

Achieve Freedom

I have a longing to be free! I have no idea how to implement that in my daily life but in my soul and spirit I want to be free, absolutely free. I want to do things that I love: talk to God all the time, cook, travel, take pictures, music and dance, become an expert in weapons, and enjoy sunrises and sunsets from mountains and beaches. Maybe that’s my definition of freedom. I do not want to work this job or any job, I do not want to worry about money, bills, food, clothes, or anything. I only want to focus on the things I love to do. I do not know where to start with this goal. Perhaps, I need to break it down. Like personal freedom, financial freedom, religious freedom, and professional freedom.

As far as personal freedom goes, I need to make it a point to go out and do the things I love. No one ever got really good at their craft by dreaming about it. Thus, I need to get out there and do it! Focus on one hobby at a time, who knows maybe that will lead to opportunities.

Financial freedom needs to be a priority as well. I have a lot of debt, in my personal opinion, that I could pay off if I had the discipline to do so. It is a matter of asking myself if I truly want to experience financial freedom or not. The answer is yes, not because of the pressure to say yes, but because I do not want to have any worries. I do not want to wonder what to do when I am out of gas or charging expenses to my credit cards. I need to be free! 

Religious freedom is taken for granted by many. Remember, I went to Cuba and listened to a pastor tell us he could be persecuted for hosting church? Well, here I am not freely soaking up the religious freedom I have here by not living my full Christian life to the extent which God intended. He never intended for me to worry, so why am I worrying? He never intended for me to not have an abundance of goods, so why am I acting like I do not have enough? The truth of the matter is, many are not living their full potential because many block the advantages that God provides. Well, not anymore. God is my provider and all things come from Him, so all of these freedoms I am mentioning will happen as long as I trust the Lord God.

Professional freedom will be achieved as I continue to stick with creating a successful business. It is time for me to focus on my business. I know God has more for me than the jobs I have worked, the Bible says, “Now unto him, that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21 KJV)”.

Lessons I learned:

1. To accomplish anything, it takes discipline
2. God is the only one who can provide freedom in all aspects of life so pray often

3. Be dedicated and define success for oneself, success is subjective