Recently I decided I was going to focus on God, and it seems like it has been a light struggle. It seems, the harder I try to focus on anything, the harder it gets. For example, I tried to focus all eight work hours on nothing but work. Begin the day with a meeting entirely in the moment and present, but I found myself drifting to check my emails or my mind wandering. Or, if I had a project to get done and tried to focus on it, I found myself focusing on the next project before completing the one at hand.

Anyways, I decided this week that I need to focus on God, so I am. I woke up with the idea in my Spirit on Monday, and I started on Monday. I woke up, got dressed, got on my knees, and spoke to the Lord about my needs and wants. Talking to God every morning is the easy part, but then came lunchtime prayer. And I realized that I was ready to go for a walk instead or create a chef-inspired lunch suddenly! Instead, I got down on my knees and prayed, why? Because I made my heart up to focus on God this week, and I am not ready to explain to God that my meal or a walk was more interesting than talking to Him. Also, when I make my heart up, I need to stick to it. It was on my heart for a reason. Some blessings and messages only come through prayers and time spent with Jesus.

By focusing on God, I realized that I was superficially reading while I was studying the Bible. Superficial reading is when one reads with no thought or concentration, it is just words on the page. I discovered this as I was going through my Bible notes and talking to God about what I read and connecting the stories. I could not remember what some stories or scriptures were about or why it was important. So, I made up in my mind to go back through those moments and add notes and re-read/study those scriptures. I may have missed some important nuggets that will help me later or perhaps now.

It is kind of funny how my heart flutters when thinking about the power of prayer and the doors that God will open. Then as the week progressed, my mind struggled to stay focus on that power and excitement. Some days it feels like a war within my body. My heart says, “on your knees and bow your head,” and my mind says, “plan for lunch or the weekend.” LOL. I side with the Holy Spirit inside me that guides my heart, thus, falling on my knees and bowing my head. God is awesome, and there isn’t anything He can’t do.

I am so grateful for the job He provided me. It is going well, by the way. However, it is a little boring, but I figure it is because I am only two weeks into it, so we’ll see. He allowed me to breathe this morning and has blessed the process of the business that I am looking to start. I mentioned it before, but it is really on its way, sooner than later, so stay posted for updates. There are so many blessings that God has provided that I can’t name them all, and you may get tired of reading them, so let me get back to this idea of focus, see? I’m losing focus because of the joy I have inside.

The other day, I was determined to figure out and stay focus on a work task. I was ready to be focused on the task at hand, but then I had a headache, a crippling migraine. I kept my focus on the Lord, said my prayers, and took notice of how my migraine subsided; it was not going to win. Focus is important because it proves that I can put all of my attention on one thought, person, task, emotion, or feeling. That also proves that I can choose not to give any of my attention to negative people, thoughts, tasks, emotions, or feelings. The power of focus is another way that I am regaining or reshaping the definition of Rhonda.

Make sure to focus on something important to you, whether it’s God, a family member, yourself, or your well-being; it is essential. I hope your heart will flutter like mine does as I experience the power of prayer and the power that God has given me to break another chain!

Over the past week, I continued to grow into the confident woman that I am. I dealt with fully transitioning into my new role; it was a good feeling to leave behind all the drama and problems associated with that old role. Now I am in my new position, and getting up to speed is going slow, but it is good that the only expectations I have are the ones that I put on myself.

I realized that I have a lot of patience. I have been dealing with a retailer and their inefficiencies in fulfilling my order in full since April. It is October, and my order is still not fulfilled correctly, so I demanded my money back. After a lot of debate back and forth, I won the debate. I have proved to myself and that retailer that I can win the fight in what I believe.

I met with my new manager and discussed my expectations of her as a manager. I told her that she hired me to do the work that her team needs, so I trust that she trusts me to do the job. We discussed how she likes to communicate and the cadence of our meetings. Interestingly, we will not have team meetings, but communication is expected daily or every other day. I am not a massive communicator while working because I like to be focused on my work then share my final findings for review or presentations.

My next task is to focus on open daily communication with my manager. I have started to think about what this means. Before, open communication meant reaching out when I didn’t have any capacity or met a roadblock with a project. It also meant letting my manager know what I was working on weekly, but daily or every other day.

Success in this new role means being able to communicate effectively, set and stick to my boundaries, live in my truth and values, and enjoy every moment of work and life despite its challenges.

One day the world was dark, and a man stole the brightest jewels. During his great escape, he felt himself being pulled from the ocean by a girl with a dream of taking over the world. Realizing she was not a part of his getaway plan, he dropped the jewels at the bottom of the ocean, remembering where they were by counting the seconds it took him to get to shore. Her dream became his nightmare, and then it turned to a pleasurable reality.

Her father loved her mother, but he suddenly went crazy after discovering that his lover could not have children. He turned to the Darkness and made a deal, “you can have my first-born, but she must be successful and never alone.” The Darkness whispered, “deal.” Then the Darkness possessed the man, and they made love to the mother, who was pregnant a couple of months later. She felt that this pregnancy was unnatural, but the world convinced her it was natural and normal. She never entirely accepted it but enjoyed the thought of being a mother.

Nine months later, her baby girl was born. She grew up and began to walk at the age of one, have a full conversation by age two, and was ready for 3^rd grade at the age of three. The mother found herself as an outsider looking in at her daughter and her ex-lover. The father no longer needed the mother, so he slowly phased her out until it was just him and his daughter. They became friends; he made sure to foster her growth with the help of the Darkness. Then one day, something happened.

Her father decided he was going to try and hand her to the Light. He reached out to the sky and reached for a ray, but it burned his hands, yet he managed to pass it to his daughter as if her life depended on it. Then he looked down, and he realized she held on to the Light with the right hand, and Darkness was holding to her left hand, and there she hung in the balance.

Eventually, both let her go, and she fell back to the earth into her father’s arms, and he smiled. He said, “you will be fine forever.” As she grew in stature, she realized she had no friends, so the Darkness told her about the man waiting in the ocean, and the Light showed her the way, and there she met him, the one that stole the jewels and handed him a vest, which symbolized his eternal existence with her forever.

Once he realized what he accepted, he cried because he had to leave behind his family forever. But then he suddenly flashed a crooked smile and said, “I’m stuck? Like I will not go to the light or the dark?” she replied, “correct. Stuck with me.” They became best friends, then he lured three females to join their group, each accepting her vest as a symbol of their eternal existence.

Today, the four of them continue to roam both in the light and in the dark. Their goal is to keep the balance between the two. They refer to themselves as the referees between the warriors of the Light and warriors of the Dark. They will be hereafter the world first explodes through light into eternal darkness.

Letting things go is not my strong suit. Thus, I am working on it. For example, I have a hard time letting go not being able to find the “perfect” outfit in the morning. It is silly things sometimes, and sometimes it is important things. I have not let go of times where I was bullied in middle school or university, and at work. Recently, one of my sisters said you need to learn to let things go. It happened; you are not that person anymore, so move on. Well, I have tried, but it has affected who I am today.

As I read the Bible, I also research it to make sure that I understand the meaning. One of the lessons from Judges 2 is that Christians go through a cycle of being in bondage -> delivered -> blessed and back over again. However, because Christians are filled with the Holy Spirit, this should not be our cycle. So, as I reviewed my life, I saw that I fit in this cycle. Every time, I was in bondage (being bullied), then delivered (to a new class, role, project), then blessed (passing with A’s, gaining skills, networking opportunities, etc.). But the question is, how do I stop this cycle? I decided that not only do I start by letting go, but I have to set boundaries.

That is what all of these instances have in common. I have always been a soft-spoken person who never needed to speak up because my family did it for me. I never had to fight, physically or mentally, because they handled that for me. I never had to make decisions because they were already made for me. And today, I find myself wishing that I had done these things from the beginning because if I had, then I would not be this person today.

Wishing, hoping, should haves, could haves, are in the past. Today marks a new day, and I am going to fight. I am going to fight to set boundaries and stick to them. I will fight to make sure I have a place in the room and at the table. I will fight against my emotions, feelings, and fears when they try and talk me out of standing up for myself. And most importantly, I am going to let go.

I have forgiven those people today. I forgive them because I know that I am the only one still holding on to these times that I felt disrespected, hurt, abandoned, lonely, and betrayed. I will remember how it felt, so I have the determination not to feel those feelings again.

This is the last time I will be talking about the manager that disrespected me because, like that cycle, I have been delivered to a new role and blessed with a better manager and team. This past Monday marked my last week with my micro-managing disrespectful boss, so I was hopeful that it would go uneventful. However, on Thursday, my last day, because I was off today, she says your “work is wrong” and “I have to do it all over and provide an accurate analysis.” So, I replied, “okay.” Why did I say “okay”? because I will not let her insecurities, weakness, low-confidence, and inabilities become a part of who I am.

I know that my work is good. I don’t have to prove that to her. If my analyses were incorrect, then why did she suddenly, on my last day bring this to my attention? I do not have to prove that I am bigger, stronger, more intelligent, and more connected than she is, because she already knows. That’s why she called me every day or sent me an instant message every day, asking for assistance.

On Monday, I start my new role with a team that appreciates what I have to offer, and that recognizes my skills are perfect to handle the problems they have to solve. When she reaches out to me, I will not respond. I will choose not to interact with someone who only brings negativity and dishonesty. If my work is wrong, then hopefully, she can find the right answers through her own work.

I’ve learned through my relationship with her that I’m stronger, more confident, and more capable than the problems she tried to put on me. I have learned to wait for the right time and recognize when that time is now to have conversations about boundaries. As I move forward, I will not carry the chains and restrictions that she tried to impose on me; those are not my chains to hold. I will continue to be the person that she despises because of her self-inflicted thoughts. Those feelings towards me have no power over me. I am bigger than she thought, and she thinks.

I have learned to talk to my emotions, feelings, and fears (some conversations are longer than others), but I have learned to quiet them down and remind them that I’m going to fight today! I’m going to stand up today! I’m going to be Rhonda today, unapologetically! I learned that being ready, mentally, emotionally, and physically for the worst means I will be unafraid to walk away and not acknowledge foolishness. However, I will tell you that if I decide to talk to her when she reaches out to me, I will say to her figure it out as I am in another role. The words I will use are harassing, hostile, and bullying. I bet then she will figure it out, and if through her immaturity she does not, I will send our recorded conversation to her manager and HR. They can assist her in finding the proper way of treating people with respect.

I look forward to this new team and its challenges, my continued growth, and learnings. I know there will be days where I have to stand up for myself at work, and I will. There will be times where we disagree as a team, but I will make sure that the disagreements with me respectably take place and that I voice my concerns at that moment. I may also talk to my emotions, feelings, and fears at that moment if I have not mastered putting them to rest already and let them know that: Today, I’m going to Fight!

No one’s thoughts, feelings, comments, recommendations, or insecurities will place chains on me or hold me down. After all, I will be disencumbering my chains by setting boundaries.

***Thank you for the word “hostile” ***

I often find myself in situations where I need to defend or at least stand up for myself, but I don’t. I figure it is a waste of time. Thus, I subject myself to mistreatment and abuse, whether at work, home, or the grocery store. Then I think I should have done this or said this, but the time has passed, and the person is moved on, or I will never see them again.

The other day, I finally told someone that they disrespected me by yelling at me. Do you know what happened? It stopped, like magic! I felt powerful, and finally, like I taught someone that treating me like a sub-human is not okay. Afterward, I did have a thought like I should’ve said more or not let that person go so easily, but judging by my new relationship, I said enough.

I’ve learned that breaking my chains also involves defining who I am through how I want to be treated. I realized that I can teach and tell people how to treat me without repercussions. I learned that it’s okay to stand up for yourself and how you want to be treated. Now, this was just one instance. I am sure there will be other times in the future where I will have to tell someone that how they are treating me is unacceptable.

It rained later that week, and I smiled because a piece of the old me washed away. The part that allowed people to disrespect me flowed down the drain into the ocean. I deserve to be treated with respect and as a human being! I learned to stand up for myself.

One day I woke up with the book The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren on my mind. So, I dug through my boxes and found it. Decided I would start reading it every day until it was complete; it is a 40-day life examining journey. The reason for me reading this book is to learn my purpose for being here on earth. I read it and walked away, feeling like I wanted to learn and know more about why I’m here and about God. The book points out you are here for God’s purpose and plan, and one needs to look hard at themselves and be honest about how one is using their skills to display God’s glory.

Once I was done reading the book, I decided I would start reading the Bible. Warren also provides a suggested 365-day plan on how to read the Bible or Word of God. I am 97 days into reading the Word, and it is one of the best things I have done in my life. I have always known God to be excellent, powerful, almighty, forgiving, and with unmatchable strategic planning skills, but through reading the Bible, I can envision it for myself and truly understand it. I have also learned that God is brutal, fierce, jealous, and condones death and destruction.

I have been told things that I have not found in the Word, which makes for interesting conversations. I have attempted to read the Bible before, but I was younger, clueless, and did not know how to question or research God properly. Thus, my previous attempts were unsuccessful. I was not spiritually mature to realize the Bible is more than a book to say I have read. It is my moral compass on how to enjoy life and live in the best place ever imagined: Heaven.

Through reading the Bible, I found out and discovered that I did not know God as I thought I did. I did not fear Him as I thought I did, and I did not understand Him as I thought I did. I was raised without a father, so I always had a fear of my mother, never experienced the fear of a father. It was difficult for me to truly fear God until I understood that my situation and lifestyle, blessings, and life depends on my Faith in Him. That is scary and is enough to make you fearful of Him. Just imagine if I one day walked away from Him knowingly and chose to ignore Him. Wonder if He hides his face from me as he told the Congregation of Israel at the end of the book of Deuteronomy? 

I also understood that He is a loving God. He wants me to succeed and to live a fulfilling life. He wants me to enjoy all that He has created for me. It is interesting how I was raised not to play with the Devil but was not told the same thing about God, other than you cannot be lukewarm or play the fence with God. If invoking the Devil is forbidden, so is provoking God. Often in the Bible, the Congregation of Israel provoked God to destroy them by worshipping idols, committing adultery, and other sins. If it were not for the direct contact God had with Moses or Joshua, to name a couple of leaders, many people in that Congregation would not have survived. God is not a toy to be played.

I also wondered how come God is not physically present here today? He was present physically through clouds, fire, and a man that physically wrestled, why isn’t He here? I also thought about why God chose the people He did to lead others. Matthews 15 says what is in the heart comes out of the mouth (of course, I paraphrased). He chose those prophets because although they sinned, their hearts were right, and when they asked for forgiveness, they made it a point not to commit those same sins. Then I started listening to what I was physically saying and doing. And honestly, my heart is not right. I am quick to say, “Lord, forgive me” or “Lord, I’m sorry.” But I kept saying the same things. I would talk about people’s hair, clothes, accents, words, even cars… like I am any better.

I would talk about people’s intentions based on previous experiences. I would have evil thoughts about people, preplan mean conversations. But not anymore. I am done! I want to have better thoughts, and I want nothing but goodness in my heart. I want to speak kind, loving words from the heart. So, I told my best friend, I am getting my heart right, and I need your help. Now she laughs and says, “I can’t tell you because I need to get my heart right too.” We don’t hide our thoughts, but we no longer encourage each other to think the old way we did. I try to truly see the best in people now and be honest, as I vowed before in one of my previous posts.

Getting my heart right involves more than thinking good thoughts. It is a lifestyle change, and it is hard, but I must start somewhere. Remember, the hardest thing to do is start. When I first started reading Purpose Driven Life, it was hard to keep it up every day, but I did. When I started reading the Bible 97 days ago, it was and is difficult, but I am doing it. There are times where a movie is on, and it is a good one, or I am tired. But I ask myself, how important is this to me? The answer is VERY! My Soul depends on it. So that means I must act like it. I will not lie and say that I have not skipped a day or two, but when I do, I make sure to read double so that I am not behind on my yearly plan, and to give it double the study time and attention I would regularly. I make sure to talk to God and not lie to Him. I tell Him, I was tired, or I wanted to watch the movie, please forgive me for not putting you first. It is hard to be honest with God. That’s funny, within its self. How many times have someone around has said “honest to God”? Yet, they may not have been honest with God.

It is hard not to pass judgment. I am not perfect or holier than the next person, so please do not get that impression. All I am saying is that getting my heart right and being honest with God is hard. Talking to God and living as He commands means that I had to revisit the activities I took part in and ask God if it was a sin if I needed guidance. God has not physically spoken to me since I was 16 years old, so no, I did not get a physical “yes” or “no, Rhonda.” Instead, the Holy Spirit within me makes me feel guilty or ashamed after I partake in the activity. That is God’s yes or no to me. I must learn to listen to the Spirit before I participate in the activity so that I am able to avoid feelings of shame or guilt. I love the Lord, and like many other lessons, love is easier said than done. It is effortless for me to say I love the Lord but trying to live as I love Him is a struggle. Just like with regular people.

It is easy to tell people that they are loved, but sometimes people have unreal definitions of how love looks. Some people think that love looks like running to their every cry or doing everything they request of you. Sometimes love looks like abandonment. If you let the ones you love sink, they will learn to swim and realize that being left alone means they are self-sufficient and survivors. After these instances, it is essential to have conversations to tell the one that is loved the reason behind this abandonment. If they sink, then love should look like a rescue. It should never be a means of drowning. Some people may think that love is pain, but love should never ever cause pain, physical, mental, or emotional. Some people may think that love looks like fear. Loving people out of fear is not love either. Love is a mutual contract where both parties are comfortable, honest, and vulnerable.

I have been scarred by being vulnerable. It is hard to be open and honest when people use your vulnerability against you. I once shared a personal experience with another person then it was shared, it is hard to open up after something like that, but God has a way to restore your faith in humanity and to let you know that all people are not like that one experience. Imagine if I let that one bad apple ruin the sweet nectar of all apples. Life has so much more to offer, but only if my heart is open and right. Every day I wake up, I remember that I am unable to tell others what is right or wrong for them, only they can make that decision for themselves. I want the good that I know is in me; the good that God sees to come out of my mouth. As the scripture says, what is in the heart comes out of the mouth.  

Listen to your words to find out what is in your heart. Is your heart, right? Do you want to get it right? What steps are you taking? Feel free to comment below your thoughts, only respective positive posts, please.

***I normally post on Fridays, but lost track of the days! I look forward to reading some comments. And I hope you look for the next post this Friday!***

I will start by saying some of these I do not know if I made them up, heard them somewhere, or if they are famous quotes, so forgive me in advance. Disencumbering chains is not easy, but I found that these sayings help keep me focused. If you heard them before, then note them. As they say if you hear it more than once, than it must be important.

1. Love yourself

2. Treat others as you want to be treated, because you never know who you are entertaining

3. Enjoy the process; during this time, you grow the most

4. Leadership traits include: honesty, straightforwardness, results, insensitivity, arrogance, and stubbornness

5. What you do not like about others usually are qualities you do not like about yourself

6. Love the ones you have; life is too short, and you don’t know when it will end

7. Do something that will scare you; that means you are stretching

8. Don’t be afraid to wake up your inner beast

9. Happiness is temporary, but joy is permanent

10. Live life as you want to. It is yours to live

11. Don’t stop at comfortable

12. Never knock your haters; because of them, you have advanced

13. If you cannot be proud of your work, then do different work

14. Do not give things you cannot take. Like criticism, jokes, or punches

15. If you want it bad enough, you’ll figure it out

16. Never forget where you come from

17. Get over it, your transgressor did

18. Forgive even if no one asked. This could be the difference between Heaven or Hell

19. Make friends with Fear; it’ll make you a conqueror

Very rarely am I left to my own thoughts. Truthfully left alone to think, feel, experience the world around me alone. So, I recently established time for me to read and pray to God for guidance every day two times a day. However, I have not set aside time for me to reflect, honestly reflect. I did not know what experience to reflect. Often, I would listen to people say, “I reflect and write down life’s lessons.” Then I would tell myself I will try that, but it’s too quiet and too lonely in my head and space.

Recently I journeyed to a cabin to enjoy an honest vacation, away from the noise and work. I took this vacation for a week, from Sunday to Saturday, and found that I like being away from home, work, and noise. I enjoy doing nothing. I left the cabin and explored the mountain but found myself gravitating back to the cabin. I do not like the sound of cars, people talking, or dogs barking, and that is precisely what I encountered during my week. This trip was meant for me to escape.

Then one of these days, the person I was with fell asleep, and I was not tired, so I was left to try and find something to do. It was during this time that I realized or reflected that I do not like being alone and that I do not know what to do when I am alone. Playing billiards could be fun alone if I wanted to practice. Enjoying the hot tub could be fun if I wanted to be alone, but it would be lonely.

I took pictures of the mountain and the storm that was headed this way, but how many photos would I need to take to recall this moment? How does one reflect, which experience should be in focus? What does one do with it once reflection is complete? So, I completed a little research and discovered that I would need to set aside some time to learn how to enjoy myself by myself with myself and how to reflect.

I suppose me journaling this very subject is an excellent example of my practice of self-reflection. Let’s use this cabin vacation for an example of my self-reflection. I read that I am supposed to go through my thoughts and emotions, so here goes. I was very excited to spend a week in the mountains without my pets. I was excited to be away from work, away from home, eager to celebrate another year and a new job. Then I arrived, and I felt like “oh no” because this particular cabin is in a community. I did not want neighbors or people that are within proximity to where I would be. Neighbors mean traffic and animals, possibly music and loud conversations, and I was here to relax and get away, de-stress.

I called my family to let them know that I made it safely and do not call me for a week, except for on my birthday. Overall, it was a decent first-time cabin experience, but here are my complaints. The beds were so uncomfortable; literally, the hot tub was mandatory therapy to get the cramps out of my neck, arms, back, etc. The mountain view was not as I imagined, and the televisions did not work. Dogs barked all the time, cars were loud, and there was frequent traffic.

However, I woke up every morning to a picturesque view of clouds, trees, and the mountain as the backdrop. To counter the stiffness suffered at night, there was a hot tub waiting for me to jump in and enjoy. Although the televisions did not work, I had the opportunity to practice my billiards game. I also learned some things about myself.

In addition to learning that I still do not like people or loud animals, I realized that I do not like to be by myself. I realized that I know how to keep promises, but I have to be patient with myself and how to say no to situations that are against my core values. Someone asked me to write down what I value. I wrote down: integrity, love, family, honesty, and faith. I believe that everything that I do, every response, every word that comes out of my mouth, should reflect all of my values, not some, but it does not. Many times, when I respond, all of my values are not present when talking to certain people; I still speak from a place where I feel that they expect me to speak. For example, if my manager is speaking to me, I may reply as an employee should, not as my values would. I will get there as long as I continue to get stronger within myself, be more confident, know my worth, and learn to stand up for my values.

Through research again, I found that self-reflection assists with discovering who I want to be, assessing where I am within the journey of becoming who I want to be, then creating action steps to get there. This cabin example assisted me with confirming or re-examining who I want to be, assessing where I am in my journey, and now I realized I have an action step out of this experience.

Action for the week: speak from my core values, no matter the other person’s reaction or response. I must take this step to disencumber the chain of being placed in someone else’s box that was created for Rhonda!

Not too long ago, I decided I wanted to go and see Pilot Mountain in NC, up close and personal. So, I got up intending to go to see this mountain. I called my mom and said, “do you want to go?” She said yes, so my sister and I packed a lunch for the three of us and went and picked her up. We drove about 5 hours to this mountain. It was during this ride that it came to me… how come I have not been speaking to my mom regularly? Do I want her in my life? What type of relationship do I want with her?

I decided that I do want her in my life, and I want a relationship with her. So we spoke on an adult level for truly the first time of my life. We spoke about my new goals, dreams, and where I am going. We talked about God, Faith, and love. We laughed and got teary-eyed as we swapped stories of success, hopes, how far we came and have to go.

I realized during this drive that my mom wants the best for me, but her the best means her having a substantial influence on what I do or how I act. So, instead of avoiding disagreeing with her, I chose to have a conversation. I told her as a daughter should, with respect and love, that I do not think I would do that, or that option isn’t for me. But I did choose to do it like this. We were able to maintain our peace and not get distracted with anger. Then, we arrived at Pilot Mountain.

The mountain from the road made me grateful to see it; it stood tall with trees growing from the top. The trip was worth it. Then we got to the way that leads us to the top of the mountain, and there was a Police Officer, who informs us that the park is closed for now because they have to limit the number of persons during this COVID outbreak. We turned around. My sister and mom were not saddened, but they were hoping we would see it next weekend. I was bummed. I was so upset that I couldn’t see this mountain that I was set on seeing. We pulled off at a park and ate our lunch and talked some more before heading home.

My mom fell asleep on the way back, content with just the thought of spending this time with us and talking to me. Getting to know who I want to be and what I expect out of life. She was content with the drive and what she saw coming from her town and traveling to another. She was happy that we had a chance even to view this mountain from the road. And there I was heartbroken that I didn’t get close enough. This realization didn’t come to me at that moment, but it did later.

My sister was excited that we got out despite COVID and drove to see the mountain. She was excited to check in on our mom and to listen to her. She was excited to be in the car with us and to enjoy the conversations that we had. We laughed and truly enjoyed each other’s company. But not me at that moment. I was sad that I didn’t get a chance to see the mountain.

So, I became toxic. I told my sister, this trip was a waste of time. I’m mad we didn’t see the mountain, and I wish that we came earlier. I acted like the mountain was going to leave its site that evening and that it was here visiting like a circus coming to town, and this was the last day. Have you ever became toxic?

Soon my sister stopped talking to me, she stopped trying to cheer me up, and we drove in silence. Then I spotted a sign “Transportation Museum.” I said, let’s go there. While still being toxic, I said, can you get over, or will we have to turn around? As if she couldn’t drive. She said, I have it, and we pulled into the Museum.

My mom woke up and said, where are we? I noted the Transportation Museum, now a little happier. We parked and walked around. Another goal of mine is to take pictures on the train track. Why? Well, I don’t know, but I always wanted to do it. And here was plenty of tracks to make my dream come true. So, I jumped on a track and made my sister take a lot of pictures of me on the track. Finally, I was satisfied. LOL…

We walked around looking at all of the trains, and they were cool, and at the old cars. Then I saw him. Train 611! He was big and beautiful, taller, and looked darker than all of the other trains. He drew you to him, made you stop and stand before him. Then as we were leaving that train, I turned to my sister and apologized for being toxic, and then I saw him. A beautiful butterfly that posed for me, turning around so I can view him from every angle. He turned in a circle, and then once I captured him from every aspect, he majestically flew off. I had to pause and apologize to God for being so ungrateful.

I thought about how He woke me up that morning, set me on my way early. Then I became upset when I couldn’t get close to the mountain even though I captured a much better picture of the full mountain than I would have if I were up close. He kept us safe on our travels there and back and as we detoured to the Museum. He then allowed me to stand and take pictures on the train tracks and allowed me to contemplate the skill he blessed man with to build a majestic train like 611 and to witness his beauty in the butterfly. I was nearly brought to tears because of the shame I felt and how I tried to ruin the trip for my sister.

I learned a lot that day. I learned that God will sometimes let you enjoy the big picture so that when you see it up close, you will appreciate the small picture as well. I learned that I have a lot of growing to do. I sometimes still react as a child instead of an adult. Maturity comes with experience. While I grew up to understand my expectations in my relationships, I did not grow outside of that. I learned that beauty is in the small things, such as the butterfly, the drive, conversation, and time spent with those I love.

The next weekend we went up to the mountain: my mom, sister, and I. The weather once again was perfect. The sun was shining, and it was clear skies. We drove up to the mountain, later than last weekend, and there was no cop or crowds! We sat and looked at the mountain and admired the sights, sounds, and fresh air! It was captivating. We ate lunch as planned, and I appreciated it more that day than I know I would have the weekend before. Then I realized I learned another lesson that my mom tried to instill in all of her daughters: life doesn’t owe you anything. And take that one step further, we have to enjoy it while we have it. The next time you wake up angry or have a bad day, think about the air in your lungs or the beating in your chest. Many people did not wake up to experience what you are right now. Love it, live it, and pay attention to life’s lessons!

The hardest part of anything is starting. Like so many people I am filled with grand ideas but fail to act on them. This blog being a good example. I have been wanting to start writing a blog for a long time but have failed to start. Recently I looked at why I wanted to start this in the first place and discovered my why. So Why?

Because, it would allow me to practice writing, assist me in facing my fears of getting out there and no longer caring about what others think about me or what I feel. I am an emotional being by nature. I cry when I watch commercials, lol. I get nervous when people glare at me like I have committed an offense towards them. So, imagine the fear that I feel writing this and posting it as my first blog post.

I am ready to break free of my self-imposed chains and live, speak, and act as if no one is watching or cares. The truth of the matter is, that no one really do care about what you do. Most people only care about the time they interact with you and how you make them feel.

So, here goes. I am going to be unapologetically honest and open with myself and the world starting today. I used to be a perfectionist, until one day, I let the world tell me that perfect is unachievable and I should stop striving for it. So, I did. The battle got to hard to keep fighting for perfection. People kept saying you don’t have to be perfect or it doesn’t have to be perfect and I believed them. Now, in my personal opinion, my work is no longer anything to be proud over. As a matter of a fact, I struggle to find my achievements because they do not live up to the standard that I used to call perfect or going above and beyond. My work is acceptable, just like the mass majority of other people’s work.

I used to set unobtainable goals and achieve them. Now, I set “realistic” goals as people call them and say “yay” when I achieve them. Reaching beyond the clouds is what used to drive me but now I reach for what is just beyond a mountain. It is in view just not close enough to grab it. My goals are like everyone else’s: land a good job, make enough money to be comfortable or rich, then retire well and have a nice funeral.

A long time ago, I used to not settle for the mediocre but sought out the challenge. Now, I am okay with the mediocre, it is safer and safety means I do not risk being judged or reprimanded. It also means the death of my creativity and imagination.

I feel the pressure that the world imposed on me and I crumbled under it. Recently, I decided to shed off the rubble that the world buried me under and decided to LIVE. That’s right! It was not easy but I realized that I was dying and I couldn’t figure out what was killing me until I took a long look at my life and realized that I let the world kill me with their opinions, views, and thoughts. I became conformed and died. Rhonda Gates died. It wasn’t until I decided to live that I started my rebirth and come back.

I decided three years ago, that I would do something every year for my birthday at least, that I have never done before. Hopefully, this will grow to doing something 2 times a year or 3 times a year of doing something that I have never done before. Why? Because, I have a blood disease and the death-rate is low. The average person lives to be 45 and I will be 35 years old this year, 10 years away from the age where this disease claims half of its victims and I haven’t LIVED!  

I believe that God wants me to live as He intended me to… happy, carefree, unapologetically, exploring all that He made for me to see, and cherishing/loving every moment of it without guilt or shame. Three years ago, I found my old bucket list of items written on a piece of paper. It included things that seemed impossible for me to achieve due to my financial situation: travel the world, skydive, learn to swim, write a book, work in a global role, own a home, pay off my car, live comfortably and I recently added having stronger faith.

Today, I live in a house. Been here 2 years and I have so many goals to achieve for this house. Replace the doors, windows, kitchen renovation, bathroom renovations, pretty yard… like in the pictures of Home & Garden, and a paint job.

I own my car… I don’t have the title because it’s in someone else’s name who owes money to the bank so they are holding it as collateral. But none of that matters because when I die, I cannot take the car with me. Also, I have had the pleasure in knowing that I have paid off my second car and am no longer carrying that debt with me.

I work a job, but it is essentially at a dead-end for me. I am hopeful that the job interview I had for a new role will bring me what I am looking for: reviving my need for challenging, creative work while allowing me to gain exposure into the global sector.

I have started a book. That is all it is, a start. I have not put much into getting it published. I need to get an editor to look at it, because I do not think it sounds right and my ideas in the book are all over the place. That book gives me anxiety. It is a lot of work!

As far as traveling the world, well I have yet to make that happen. When I was in University, I went to Costa Rica to study Spanish and it was awesome! That experience has left me longing for more world travel.

Skydiving. My doctor will not give me a pass to go skydiving. My body has half the oxygen a normal person would have due to me not having fully formed red blood cells. So, once I fall from an airplane the unpressurized air would cause me to lose oxygen at a potentially alarming rate, thus I would be risking death or a really bad sickle crisis. However, I have read that people with my same illness have completed this and were fine. So, maybe I will take the chance too. I have to do it when I feel at 1,000% in case something happens then I will be at 100%.  

I am working on finding a place to learn to swim, but the problem seems to be COVID-19 has the world on lockdown and that means no one is trying to get closer than 6 ft to a stranger that could possibly have COVID.

In order to work on strengthening my faith I have been focusing on God and his son Jesus. I believe by reading the Bible and studying His Word, I am able to gain a deeper of understanding of my God that holds my life in His hands and that makes a way out of no way and that is able to do all things! God has become my best friend. We talk all the time and there is no secret that I can hide or that I want to withhold from Him. Through Him, I am more than a conqueror… there is no one or situation that can slow me down. I realized that I am my own worst enemy. So, I am learning to live my best life through Faith.

Finally, my goal to live comfortably takes place every time I remember where I have come from. I came from a time where I was unable to take an hour drive because I did not have any money for gas. I remember when my health was too bad to enjoy a day in the sun, or to even get out of the bed. I remember a time when all I could speak was death, depression, worry, and sadness but now I speak life, prosperity, hope, faith and love. I am living comfortably and my best life!

It was not easy to start this blog, like it wasn’t easy to start living and reading the Bible and really building a new friendship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. But it was worth it and each one taught me something about myself, life, and who I want to be.

Through this blog, I hope to inspire someone to start something that you may have been afraid to start or have pushed off. Starting is not easy, but I have found that it is worth it.