Starting new things is hard. I think I wrote something similar before, which means that starting new things does not get any easier despite the number of times you are starting something new.

My new goal to start is to reach my full potential. Well, how am I going about it? I am taking it one day at a time. I may be frustrated about the new thing on Monday and okay with it by Tuesday. The key is to just keep focused and keep trying. Don’t give up… it will work out.

I am focusing on three new goals beginning today:

1. Reaching my natural hair’s full potential
2. My full work potential
3. Achieving Freedom in many aspects of my life

I am so glad that I am able to share this journey with all of you.

My Natural Hair’s Full Potential

So, on August 14^th I got my last perm. It lasted three months. There it was the last time my hair would be pin-straight and highly manageable. I was happy to announce to the people that I knew that I would now be going natural. Embracing my natural curls and waves. Then November 18^th came around and I looked in the mirror and announced to my roommate that I will be returning to perms. LOL. My hair was so dry, so tangled, and I could not comb through it with my fingers. I stood in front of the mirror and looked in horror at my hair. The honeymoon phase was over, it was time to either embrace this natural mess I had on my head or go back to the perm.

I chose to stick it out! I washed this mess, conditioned this mess, and put many oils on this mess. And when I was done, it still looked like, a mess. So, I decided to turn to the only person in the world who could help me at this point! My MOM!!! I drove so fast an hour and a half away to have her braid it. I did this for weeks until my edges turned tender. Then I had to give the braids a break. Once again, I washed, conditioned, oiled, and conditioned once more my hair and twisted it. Today, I feel pretty, like my natural hair is finally loving me back.

Lessons I learned:

1. Nothing is ever easy if you really want it
2. “Do not be so quick to give up, show love, and love will be received” (Roommate)
3. Pray over all things (believe I was and am praying the Lord God Almighty continues to grow and make my hair more and more manageable for me)

My Full Work Potential

I have been at this place of employment for a year and a month now. In the beginning, it was great. My Manager appreciated the work I did and trusted me to complete my work without micromanagement. My Manager and I spoke daily, multiple times a day about projects, tasks, life, and anything else in-between. It reminded me of the relationships with managers I had in the past that were amazing. I loved this job and my role and was proud of the work I completed. Then came my review and I found out what the Manager thought of me. It was the Manager that suggested that my work was exceptional, that fed me the confidence needed to score myself so high and then I realized the Manager may have felt that way about me but was either too afraid or too insecure to admit it on paper. Remember, I wrote about my review and the exceptional grading I know I deserved versus the meets expectations grading the Manager felt I deserved, so I will not go back there. Anyways, after that moment my role was reduced to that of an assistant. My work is mundane and repetitive. We no longer talk longer than two to three minutes a day; sometimes we do not talk at all in a day. I am not upset about the Manager’s misunderstanding of the grading, I make small efforts to have a conversation asking about the Manager’s hobby or sharing something I did over the weekend but it’s all forced and I can feel it.

I know that I am a rare worker to find. I actually want to work, I want to be productive throughout the day, and I want to pick up projects. So, why haven’t I? Well, I find something and present it to the Manager, who either says, “don’t worry about that” or “right now, we need to focus on…”. Leaving me at a loss for finding meaningful work.

The theme seems to be that companies hire me because I have many skills and talents, and once I am hired, I prove that I am able to make a difference in their practices, processes, or create a new way of accomplishing a task. However, once I have impacted them positively, and received accolades from people whom I have never met, the manager feels insecure or challenged by my unquestionable progress within the first year. And when comes time for reviews they by some strange fate never provide me with the markings I earned. I then get tasks that are equivalent to an administrator. It is no secret that I am normally the only female on these teams, perhaps, that is why I am getting assigned these tasks. Well, I do not make a great secretary, I am a data analyst that happens to be great at her job. So great that I am the only one on this current team that receives requests from the Leadership Team to provide them with cost analysis, financial analysis, and/or competitor research information. Whose fault is it that I happened to have been blessed to be born a female with amazing talents and skills?  

Well, I am not the group’s scheduler or planner. If I am able to manage my calendar so, can they. How did they do it before I was here? That is what they need to go back to, they look at me crazy when I tell them they can arrange meetings or other administrative requests they ask of me. Luckily, this is not the only place in the world where I could work, so I will look for my next place of employment.

Lessons I learned:

1. Don’t give up on finding a place in the workforce where I fit
2. Man does not justify my worth (it took me a while to realize this one)
3. This may be a calling for me to do something else, perhaps focus on my business
4. It is time to get serious about saving my money so that I have a cushion for the day, in which I say I quit or get fired
5. Pray through all things, the easy days as well as the hard ones

Achieve Freedom

I have a longing to be free! I have no idea how to implement that in my daily life but in my soul and spirit I want to be free, absolutely free. I want to do things that I love: talk to God all the time, cook, travel, take pictures, music and dance, become an expert in weapons, and enjoy sunrises and sunsets from mountains and beaches. Maybe that’s my definition of freedom. I do not want to work this job or any job, I do not want to worry about money, bills, food, clothes, or anything. I only want to focus on the things I love to do. I do not know where to start with this goal. Perhaps, I need to break it down. Like personal freedom, financial freedom, religious freedom, and professional freedom.

As far as personal freedom goes, I need to make it a point to go out and do the things I love. No one ever got really good at their craft by dreaming about it. Thus, I need to get out there and do it! Focus on one hobby at a time, who knows maybe that will lead to opportunities.

Financial freedom needs to be a priority as well. I have a lot of debt, in my personal opinion, that I could pay off if I had the discipline to do so. It is a matter of asking myself if I truly want to experience financial freedom or not. The answer is yes, not because of the pressure to say yes, but because I do not want to have any worries. I do not want to wonder what to do when I am out of gas or charging expenses to my credit cards. I need to be free! 

Religious freedom is taken for granted by many. Remember, I went to Cuba and listened to a pastor tell us he could be persecuted for hosting church? Well, here I am not freely soaking up the religious freedom I have here by not living my full Christian life to the extent which God intended. He never intended for me to worry, so why am I worrying? He never intended for me to not have an abundance of goods, so why am I acting like I do not have enough? The truth of the matter is, many are not living their full potential because many block the advantages that God provides. Well, not anymore. God is my provider and all things come from Him, so all of these freedoms I am mentioning will happen as long as I trust the Lord God.

Professional freedom will be achieved as I continue to stick with creating a successful business. It is time for me to focus on my business. I know God has more for me than the jobs I have worked, the Bible says, “Now unto him, that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21 KJV)”.

Lessons I learned:

1. To accomplish anything, it takes discipline
2. God is the only one who can provide freedom in all aspects of life so pray often

3. Be dedicated and define success for oneself, success is subjective

Today I realized that I do not know what discipline means. So, I Googled it, and it reads “to train or develop by instruction and exercise, especially in self-control.” Well, what does that mean to me? That in order to have a greater sense of self-control, one must train or exercise the mind to follow and obey a set of values.

What are my values? What are the three things that guide or should guide my life?

Here is the truth, I have not been living by my values or even been determined enough to follow the values that I set for myself. Why is that? Well, I lack discipline. Another truth, I make myself physically sick with my choices and behaviors. I was told it was because I do not allow myself enough grace to forgive myself. The truth of the matter is that I make myself sick because I know the difference between right and wrong, there is no grey area when it comes to obeying and disobeying. I knowingly disobey and make myself physically sick. How do I show myself forgiveness when I am knowingly sinning or disobeying God’s laws? I ask myself if Heaven is where I truly want to be, and I say it is, but my actions say otherwise. Oftentimes, people bring sickness to themselves through their actions, and I have realized that I am one of those people.

Thus, today, I have decided that I will begin to train myself to follow my values once again.

Values:

1. Faith in the living God, Jesus Christ, and listening to the Holy Spirit
2. Love for family, friends, strangers, and most importantly myself and the ability to forgive me when I fail and show myself grace when I try again
3. Acknowledging my Truth and Being Honest
4. Freedom

Things I need to give up:

1. Excuses for why I am unable to spend time reading the Bible and focus on training myself to do better
2. Excuses for why I am unable to have the discipline I need
3. Excuses for why I am not following my values

I love God but I realized recently that I am not as in love with Him as I thought. I put myself first before His Will and Way. I realized that I am selfish. I ask and ask but never give up anything, so I am going to give up my heart and soul truly, again. I know that I am saved but if my thoughts or some actions were brought to light, who I truly am and what I stand for may be questioned, and rightfully so. Some days I feel like the biggest hypocrite and that was something that I never wanted to be.

It is important to have people around you that do not suffer from group thoughts or think the same as you because as I have realized there is no one to question your actions or challenge you to be better. I have always been a loner. I do not have friends, only family. So, it is hard to find someone that truly questions my behaviors and calls me out on my goals and where I am trying to go. They all think and act like me or me like them. I will have to really focus on being better and surrounding myself with God and listening to Him when He calls me out.

I have to be better to get to where I want to go. I have to do better to get to where I want to go. I have to know that I know better to end up where I want to be, which is with Jesus for an eternity. Today is November 18^th, 2022. I am determined to be a changed person beginning today and for the rest of my life. I know that I will not be perfect, but I will be disciplined.  I will be better than I was yesterday and all the days before today.

Lately, I have been so sleepy at work, I feel unmotivated. It all started when I realized the company is unable to recognize my exceptional talent and connect it to the proper rating. Once I worked at a job in which the manager told me, “Your reality may not match someone else’s perception.” I thought I knew what that meant until I truly experienced it during my current review.

I was tasked with lowering the number of accounting issues that our group handled. Well, when the Director was handling this task, it remained uncontrolled. Then the task was passed to my Peer. While my Peer handled the task, it remained uncontrolled and I learned that invoices were being paid due to the lack of knowledge or pushback from this Peer.

This task was officially handed over to me on March 21, 2022. Within five weeks I had decreased these accounting opportunities by 63% with verification. I graded my performance in handling this task as exceptional. I am able to maintain this decrease and since then have decreased it by another 2%. This is what I do, I make things better! I make these tasks manageable and reduce the time spent so that the team has more bandwidth.

Well, my Director acknowledged the work and said that is great and gave an “Exceeds Expectations” marking. We conversed about this review, and I thought it was great to have open dialogue, but I was most definitely delivered the short end of the stick as my overall grading was “Meets Expectations.” I made it known that I know my work is exceptional and that is what my performance reflects. I considered changing my work pattern to match the Director’s rating but that is not who God is designing me to be. Instead, I will keep being exceptional, professional, and above the Director’s rating. Not long after this meeting, I noticed things starting to change a bit at work.

For instance, I am being left out of meetings and now rarely am I a part of conversations. Most recently my attendance was in question. We are in a hybrid model at work, three days in the office and two days at home, I show up Monday through Wednesday and the latter part of the week at home. Well, I have been coming in from 7:30 to 16:30, with no questions asked. Recently, the times I am present in the office were mentioned by the Manager, and when I asked why this came up, I was told that Management wants to make sure there are people in the office when they are assigned to be, not just me but everyone. So far nothing else has been said since, but if the Director or Manager says that I must be present at a different time, I will not be surprised or worried. It is remarkably interesting to watch people change when they do not agree with the opinion that you hold of yourself.

It may be true that the Director’s perception of me is different than my reality, but I will not allow that perception to define me. I know who I am and the quality of my work. I have learned that I have allowed so many people to define me and it feels good to finally know who I am and to stand up for what I believe in. For so many years I have allowed people to tell me what I am capable of, and it feels good to tell others what I am capable of. It feels great to say “no” at work and to declare my truth. So many times, I have shut that part of me down and ignored the way I have felt to accept others’ opinions, thoughts, and views. Well, not anymore.

I am Rhonda Gates, an exceptional person who has the power to speak the truth with boldness and courage. The funniest part of this entire experience is that normally I would be sitting at work, sweating, and feeling like the words, “you’re fired” will come at any moment. Well, this time, I feel comfortable, I am not paranoid, but I am aware of my surroundings. I am not hoping for the words but if they come, I will not be surprised or feel worried. I do not feel like I need to apologize for being me for once in my life! I honestly have never felt more at peace than I do now. God the Father is Awesome! I have watched myself grow in just this one instance and look forward to growing, even more, I can only wonder what Rhonda will look like as I get even closer to God and Jesus Christ.

I have not decided if I am going to look for another job as I honestly feel so bored that I fall asleep while at work. I have written this at work due to the lack of work. I feel like God has something great for me and I cannot wait to see what it is! I feel like I could just leave this job at any moment without a safety net and know that everything will be okay. I feel like I could jump out of a plane and not second guess my choice because I know that no matter what I do, my Father will catch me! I feel Him around me and I am asking for guidance and to order my steps as I do not know where He wants me to be, but I am ready to be led and to go without second-guessing the mission. One of my favorite verses (Psalms 27:1) in the Holy Bible says, “The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” If the Lord is for me, then who could be against me? Exactly, no one! I am on fire for God, and I intend to stay that way, even when I fall, because I know I am able to get back up.

As an imperfect person, I tend to worry. I worry about my actions and the reactions that follow, I worry about my Performance Review, I worry about my hair and the clothes that I wear, and I worry about the health of my family members.

Lately, I noticed the health of my mother is troubling me. As she continues to get older, things are starting to change. Her hair is now softer and growing longer than it ever has. Her eyes are greying now and are not as good as they used to be. Her legs do not carry her as well as they used to. But the most troubling thing is her mind is not as sharp as it once was. She can recall many things, showing that she still has long-term memory, but her short-term memory is fading.

My mom has other health problems that do not make this short-term memory loss any easier for her. I watch her as she notices that she is no longer in control of her mind and listen to her frustration. She is used to having it all together and now, everything is falling apart little by little. Just as I am learning more and more about her, I am also learning more about myself.

I am not ready for this to happen. I am not prepared for this to happen. I feel like I am losing control of a portion of my life and it is not okay. There will be tough questions to answer, such as: where will she live, who will drive her to and from appointments, money management, what is troubling her that has to be dealt with, and I am sure so many other questions.

I have always been a planner, a preparer but this I have not thought of preparing for. Why? Because my mom has always had it all together, as far as I have known her. She figures it out, she keeps moving forward but what happens when she can no longer move forward? She will always be viewed in my eyes as a person that is strong-willed, beautiful, loving, and my hero.

The good thing is that Jesus is ready for me to cast all of my worries on Him, but I tell Him as well, that I am still concerned. I understand that God the Father has all of this worked out but this is another phase that I must live through and it may not be easy. My mom took care of my stepfather until his last breath, well, wonder if I am not strong enough to do the same for her? We may be talking about years of commitment to watch her slowly deteriorate from the inside, lose her mind and watch her break over and over. I just don’t know. She is in the early stages of memory loss, so perhaps I have a while but if I find it hard to have patience with her in this stage, how will I react in the future?

I have to start planning, learning about resources, finding support groups, and who could help me with this process. Jesus knows I am going to need help.

Most importantly, I have to start planning and learning about resources, finding her support groups, and who could help her with this process. Jesus knows, she is going to need help.

I know that God my Father has this all figured out. I will be there for her; I know my patience will be tried but I would not be able to bear knowing I was not there because of my selfishness. I am sure there were times in which I tried her patience while growing up, and now that the roles have reversed, I will be there.

Please continue to pray for me and my family as we enter this new chapter of embracing our new environment. 

I have been back from Cuba now for about three months and there are so many lessons and testimonies that I cannot wait to share. Upon my arrival, I was not really shocked at the way the airport was designed but was shocked by the environment outside of the airport. There were crowds of people lined up, as if they were waiting to see a Hollywood star emerge from the double wide doors. I looked for the group that I was supposed to be with and to no avail found no one. I began to panic, and wondered if I missed the bus or if anyone was even there.

I called the contact using the phone of one of the Taxi Drivers. The contact responded okay; we will be there. Two hours later, I heard someone calling my name and I turned around and it was the group leader.

The first lesson I learned was make sure you recognize the people in your group. Luckily, the group leader looked like he did over Zoom, so that made it easy. However, I was told that the sign would say one thing and the sign said another, which led me to believe that my group was not present even though they were.

The next lesson I learned is to be grateful for the things you have. Our group then went to a Church. This Church was on the second floor of the Pastor’s home and the first floor is where, he and his family lived. He shared with us that because it is illegal to hold Christian gatherings in Cuba, that he could face punishment and have his church shutdown. That set the tone of our trip, knowing that people that are banned from gathering and praising Jesus Christ but was doing it anyway, because they know that God is greater than the punishment they could face was and is powerful. I immediately thanked Jesus Christ, for being able to have religious freedom in the States. It also made me wonder, as we continued to meet people, some of whom heard of Jesus but never known Him, would I be like that if I was in a place like Cuba? How would God reach out to me and show me He’s real, would He send a team of people?

I was also reminded that where ever you can feel God’s presence the devil isn’t far behind. I experienced racism, I am fluent in Spanish and yet, the host family found it difficult to understand me despite me speaking the same phrases as others. But you know, I gave them to God. I literally, in front of the host family raised my hands and said, “Lord I am giving them and this situation to you.” The reaction was silence and stares. After I gave it to God, we were told that we were moving out of that house into another location in Havana. Sometimes, God will remove you from situations before they escalate into a larger situation.

That experience did not hinder my ability to continue to communicate with those that I encountered. Instead, it gave me a testimony of confidence. I, in the face of adversity, continued on speaking Spanish and giving situations to the Lord Almighty. In the past, I would have given up trying to communicate and walked away letting the situation steal my confidence but not this time. During the week spent there, we prayed for people, listened to their testimonies, learned from different people’s experience, provided food, and praised the Lord. Jesus, is in Cuba despite what I have heard about the dire situations and political unrest.

My other testimonies include, me remaining healthy the entire time despite many others on the trip feeling sick. I was able to bless others through the mission there to inspire fellow Christians to not lose hope. My illness has affected me in many ways, but as I shared my testimony it felt good to finally be able to share my story from a place of healing and witness, rather than pain and hurt. While I was there, I was present and in the moment. I am so happy that I was able to put my needs and wants to the side because that mission was not about me, it was about reaching those who didn’t know and inspiring those who felt alone and tired. I thank God that my gift of discernment increased and that I knew how to give certain situations to God and to trust Him to handle the situations. Most importantly, I am so grateful, thankful, and blessed to have a true relationship with God the Father.

So many people that was on that trip, did not have a personal relationship with God but looked for Him in others. I shared with them that they need to spend time with just God and learn who He truly is. The mission trip was a great experience that was filled with lots of learnings and I am glad that God chose me to experience this.

The famous baseball player lived in the area that is pictured above. He said, if there is one thing he would tell young or new Christians, it is, “trust Jesus Christ in ALL things.”

I have never felt more free than I do right now. I have realized that there were many problems that I took on that were never mine to deal with. I have learned to live in moments and to try and create the best out of every moment. I learned to take note of what is important and to not worry about things or people that are not as important. Here’s what is important to me: God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, and spending an eternity with them. I heard someone say that we are worried about a quarter of our lives because we forget that there is 3/4ths of our lives after we leave this physical world. That means we spend a lot of energy worrying about this (time on earth): _____ when we have all of this (eternity): __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ left! That’s crazy. So, I decided I better start moving! I better start getting serious about what matters to me and living the life that I was called to live.

My family has problems, and what family doesn’t, but I realized those problems are not mine. They belong to those individuals. I also realized that I do not need to indulge in those problems or entertain those problems. I have worked on not speaking from a place of pain but a place of healing. My mom and I have not always gotten along but if she needs something, I do my best to assist. I am proud to say that I love my mom and that I enjoy making her smile and to hear her truly laugh from the soul. It is so good to have those moments because when we lose the people we love, we will only be left with those memories or moments.

Recently, my mom asked for a eulogy for her birthday or Mother’s Day. I did not think it was a good idea because my mother’s relationship with her children is different for each of us and while I would hope there are good memories, I did not believe that they would be shared. Then it hit me, that is not my problem. I cannot control other people’s experiences that they share with my mom, I can only try to create the best memories that I have with her. I wrote her a eulogy and did not think I would cry, but I did. Imagining that she is dead and lying there in a wooden box before she is cremated was saddening, and lonely and I only had the memories that I shared left. I learned another lesson. It is important to tell people how you feel about them while they are living because when they are gone, you will be talking to them praying that they hear you.

Last year, my mom asked for an adjustable bed, and I was going to get it for her but her stove went out. So, she chose a stove instead. This year, she asked for dental work. I made the appointments and we were ready but then her car stopped working. So, she chose a car instead. We found a reliable car that is also stylish like she is. To see her smile and to be overtaken by a joy that no one can steal is the work of God and Him alone.

I do not share this to say, “look at all the things I have done for my mom,” but instead to say, very rarely what you have is meant to be shared with just you. Often we drive past people that are begging for change, food, jobs, clothes, etc., and do not think twice. In the Bible, Jesus fed people, clothed people, and God led people to cities to preach to those who were unable to find a way back to Him. Wonder if, these small actions, not only confirmed to my mom that God is still with her, still blessing her but also to other people that watch me, like my little sister, store clerks, or bank tellers. Even though I did this for her, how many people looked at my actions and got a little closer to God or healed their relationship with their parent(s)?

This life is not about me. It’s about God and what He has for me when this is all over. I could have said, I do not have money for you, but the money was not mine in the first place. God provided it for me when He blessed me with this job. So, I might as spend it as He called me to.

Before I do things like this, I pray about it. I ask my council, God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Spirit if I should do this. And every time I have acted, is every time that they confirmed that I should. See, how it is not about ___ but about __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ and no one will stop me from living an eternity with my Lord, Jesus Christ.

I learned that when I do not worry about what people think about me or say about me, I do not act as if I am under anyone’s influence. I am instead focused on what is important to me. The journey called life is not meant for us to travel alone but with people that we trust and love. I am glad that the people that are involved in my life, belong there, and if one day they do not, that is okay too because I pray that we will all meet again one day. I understand that we are all on different paths to the same place (with Jesus in heaven) and it’s okay.

Stay blessed and remember, it is not about you but about the life the Lord Almighty has for you to lead. Let go, move forward, and get serious about your destiny.

Ever Since I finished reading the Bible, I have felt inspired to complete a Mission Trip. However, I have found that the church I attend does not have that option available for their congregation. I wrote in my meditation journal that I want to complete one mission trip a year, but I never seem to have enough money. I also did not put any effort into making it happen.

I believe that God will give individuals dreams and inspiration, but it is up to that individual to put some work behind it. So here I was with a dream and felt like this was something that I needed to do but did not move to make it happen. I did not research other groups or churches that have this as an option. I just left it there as another dream unrealized.

Then one day, I began to research mission trips. I found this group that is on the West Coast of the US, even though I reside on the East Coast. Had a couple of interesting conversations and then once again left the opportunity to make it happen behind and continued with my life.

Recently, the person I had reached out to sent me an email and said, we have trips happening, are you coming? I read it and replied, I would like to learn more. I attended a zoom call with others that were also thinking about it. Then I felt my heart flutter, a knot in my stomach, and this feeling of, you need to go! The person ended the call with “pray about it and ask God if this is the right trip for you.”

I thought, prayed, and spoke to God about it. I told Him, I don’t have enough money, I can’t find my passport, and I want to go but this may not be the one for me. Looking back, I created so many excuses for why I could not do what God had called me to do. But there was one more excuse, I mean reason. On the day I would return home, it would be my mom’s birthday, and I cannot miss that, right?  

Then I read my daily Bible lesson the next day and it said, stop making excuses. Just like that. Stop making excuses. I walked outside (because I was at work), and I prayed, spoke to God, and said, “yes, Lord I am going.” I called the person and said, sign me up. He told me the price to go and I said okay. Then just like that, I had money to go, found my passport, and felt convicted in my spirit to attend this particular trip. I told my mom about it, mentioned how I would miss most of her birthday, and how this is something that I believe I need to do and she understands.

I am going on my first mission trip because I answered the call!

Please join me in continuing to pray for everyone in this world, because so many things happen daily. Even though some don’t realize it, prayer changes things.  

Recently, on LinkedIn, I read a post from someone that shares my diagnosis. I remember growing up asking my mom “why do I have this?” and her replying, “God has a purpose.” Well, here I am 36 years later, thanking God for my testimony.

I was born with Sickle Cell Anemia, a blood disease that affects red blood cells. My blood cells are in a sickle shape, so they carry less oxygen to my organs and throughout my body. This results in a tremendous amount of pain, dehydration, and other problems that come from oxygen deficiency, anemia, and a low life expectancy.

I thought, connect with him. So I sent out a request and two weeks later no response. Hmmm, I thought. Here we are, strangers, but bonded by the state of our birth and a disease that many still do not know about, and yet, there was no connection. He told a story about how doctors told him he wouldn’t live past 15 but how he celebrated his 21^st birthday! That is awesome and the same story I heard. Funny how he is a few years younger (based on his birthday in his profile) than me and the life expectancy had already increased, I was happy to hear that and even happier to know that they are still raising the life expectancy. I was told that I wouldn’t live past 10, but I did, then doctors said 13, but I did. Doctors said the reason why was because of the weekly blood transfusions. But I knew better.

Then fear set in because one of my sisters died at 21 from Sickle Cell Anemia. I was so afraid to turn 21, I literally did not celebrate. My mom bought cake and ice cream, but I didn’t want a party, I was waiting for Death with no one knowing. He didn’t show, so I thanked God for saving me and increasing my life expectancy.

When I was about 23, I went to a Sickle Cell Convention and met people with this illness in their 60s!!! But they had a different type. There are those with the type called AS or the trait. Relatively, healthy and they may never experience a crisis. There are those with the milder version called SC, who are able to function with some drawbacks and probably spend a few days in the hospital. Then there are those like me with the SS type, who spends most holidays, birthdays, and days in pain or hospitals.

I remember spending every July 4^th in the hospital and on some occasions being wheeled to the roof to see the fireworks. I remember having my birthdays in the hospital but being too sick or too weak to enjoy it. I remember meeting lots of famous people too, though. They always came to visit and left a card if I was sleeping or to give a teddy bear and say hello if I was awake.

Anyways, I was curious to know which type he has, to learn more about his experiences, and to learn if he is honestly living. I have lost touch with many of my friends that share this illness and attended the same clinic as I did, either to an operation that was recommended to me or to a side effect of breaking edge treatments that I could have gotten. When I did not receive a response, I was going to write him but he has a Premium subscription, and I do not find it worth it to pay just to connect with someone that could not accept my invite, despite him being an active member on LinkedIn.

In life, I have learned, that I do not need to connect with others to validate my experiences, even though it could have been nice to exchange stories. Today, I do not look like this disease is shut up in my body, but it is there. My condition has moved from severe to almost trait characteristics, leaving the doctors baffled. My original Hematologist didn’t recognize me during the ride we shared on an elevator, some years ago when I called him by name. Once he recalled who I was, he noted that I looked healthy, mentioned that I should thank his treatment of weekly transfusions and smart decisions, but I thanked God and we parted ways. That’s how life is.

I need to part ways with people, experiences, and the need for validation because most times, the ones I grew away from did not believe in what God could do for me. During my time with this illness (since I was 8 months old) I have asked God why me, when will it end, take me home with Him if He loved me, and to stop me from suffering. This illness has caused me to lose confidence in myself, my looks, lose power in my words, and the power to set boundaries. It has beaten me down to the point where I didn’t know if I could stand up on my feet. But I did!

I got up. I would like to say that I have this illness under control and have taken back all it has stolen from me, or that I have become the person that I dream I could be if I was healthy, but I haven’t. I am still working on it and that’s what this journey is about. Learning how to become the person that God would like me to become. I am healthier, receiving blood transfusions (2 pints) once a year instead of 2 pints weekly, I am able to have a job and call out rarely (thanks to work from home) instead of losing a job because I was in too much pain to keep one for longer than a week. I am able to function like a regular person in society, rather than being confined to a hospital bed and spending every holiday in the hospital. I don’t remember the last time I was hospitalized, and I thank God.

Right when I was at the end of my rope, truly at the end, I was 16 years old and balled up on my bed waiting to leave because it was the day of a transfusion. I heard a voice speak to me and it said, “do you believe you are healed?” I replied, “yes…”, thinking maybe I woke myself up because I was talking loudly in my sleep. Then the voice continued, “you are healed.” I ran upstairs and told my mom, “I believe I am healed, I do not need this blood transfusion.” She said, “thank God. Are you sure? You know what could happen. If you believe then I believe.” Together, we believed! I have never felt or heard a voice like that in my life even to this day. I told her about the voice speaking to me and how I knew it was God, she said we’re going to tell the doctor we will no longer be getting transfused regularly.

We went in and they were ready to transfuse me but we called the doctor in the room and told him, I will no longer be getting transfused weekly, only as needed. He called Child Protection Services, the Police, and the Social Worker. Then he proceeded with I was going to die within the next month at the longest because I do not have enough blood to keep me alive. I stuck to it, I am healed, I don’t need it. He stuck to his story, they separated us and asked me if my mom put me up to this, was I abused at home, and who came up with this decision. After telling them, I was healed and I don’t need these transfusions, they made my mom sign a paper that said she is denying my treatment and she knows the risk.

She signed and we cried when we made it to the car because we knew that God had healed me that day. I was loosed that day from this illness that controlled me. I was free in the Blood of Jesus of believing I would die without a transfusion; I was loosed from the things that bound me! I can’t explain how that felt other than I was lighter. Of course, there were days that I doubted I was healed, like when I had another pain crisis, or when I turned 21, but God, nobody but God! Looking back, it took a while for my physical body and mind to realize that a chain was disencumbered that day. Here I am 36 years old and doing all of the things that I was told I would never be able to do: drive a car, own a home, work a full-time job, travel, and enjoy my life. And just think, this isn’t even my best life, because I am working on embodying the person that God wants me to be!

So, I won’t be hurt or shocked when someone does not want to connect with me, eat with me, or talk to me because my story doesn’t need validation from anyone. God has disencumbered another chain that I didn’t realize was holding me until I wrote this blog on 5/6/22. Thank you Jesus Christ, and God the Father for keeping me and setting me free!

Life is funny in that everything that I am trying to accomplish is relatable to something else. Here I am trying to teach my puppy the list of popular commands that every well-behaved puppy or dog should know: sit, stay, leave it, wait, come, and recall by name.  Then, it dawned on me like a slow sunrise over a mountain top: these are the same commands that God is trying to teach me.

I should know how to sit still and stay put without being so anxious to move or chase something that may not be for me. I should know how to leave the old habits, thoughts, and sins behind. I should know how to walk away from battles that are not mine or conversations that I have no business being a part of. I should know how to wait until my trial or tribulations are over and not try to find an easy way out, possibly avoiding a lesson that I need to learn. I should have learned to come to God or Jesus when life bothers me or if my situation becomes too much to bear. And most importantly, I should recognize God’s voice and respond when my name is called. Yet, here I am very similar to my puppy being disobedient and not knowing my basic commands.

I lose patience with her when she doesn’t listen then I want to give up and walk away. I think, “perhaps, I will pick up the training sessions tomorrow or leave her the way she is.” I say, “I will let her run around and be disobedient,” limiting the time we will share. Then I think about it, if I did that then maybe I should not have gotten a puppy. Again much like me, she shows progress every day. I think back to before she was potty trained, it was like one day she just got it. She knew to go to the door and ring the bell. All things take practice and repetition, so I know it is important to show her grace and to forgive her just as God has shown me.

God has not left me. Despite me walking or running from Him numerous amounts of time. Despite me not knowing or recognizing a command He has given me. He keeps coming back trying, again and again, never losing His cool over my disobedience, never leaving me to suffer, never leaving me to be alone despite how I may feel, and never leaving me to figure it out on my own. So I too keep trying.

I take a breather and hug her instead of yelling at her. I sit her down and ask her why isn’t she listening, instead of putting her in a crate or leaving her alone. I rub her belly and tell her how much I love her because I feel like that is what God does to me.

He hugs me in the sunshine and surrounds me with love instead of giving me what I deserve. He showers me with blessings and protection from my enemies instead of leaving me to die at the hands of the problems, people, and spirits that are against me. He asks me why I am not listening or doing what He has asked. He makes me feel that I am capable of doing better, so I know I am able to do better. He rewards me when I get things right and may discipline me if I already learned a lesson but chose to be disobedient anyways.

That’s the kind of pet parent I want to be. A loving parent that is capable to show my little girl love, patience, rewarding her for the good, but being stern and disciplining her in a way that will not scar her for life. Someone once told me, “Your child or pet is a reflection of you.” I believe that. The way I choose or not choose to raise my child or pet is a direct reflection of the kind of person I am. If my pet is young but is wild and ill-mannered then that says that I gave up and didn’t care because it was too much. The Bible says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6 KJV).”

In order to follow Jesus, it is imperative to recognize Him when he calls, to have the patience to sit and stay. It is important to know the difference between what is right and wrong, there is no gray area when it comes to right or wrong. As I continue to disencumber my chains to reach freedom from human expectations, I will work to take up the chains that bind me to Jesus Christ.

Hello everyone, I know it has been a while. Since July, so much has happened: lots of tears, fighting fears, learning self-belief, and most importantly, disencumbering more chains. By the middle of July, I had a new car, started a new job, and got a new puppy.

In July, my beloved Equinox gave out on me. She was never late on oil changes, tire rotations, or any other maintenance benchmarks. However, in July, she gave out on me. I brought her to the dealership, and they said that it would be better to buy a new car rather than continue to put band-aids on this one. I cried because I was not in a position to buy a new car. I was not making enough money at that job that wanted to get rid of me. I knew I was going to be fired soon, so I had to have other options. I considered that band-aid anyways but at the time I didn’t even have enough money to put one on there. So, I decided I would talk to God about it. I told Him I wanted a brand new 2021 Tahoe. I searched everywhere online, dealerships I knew and ones I didn’t, and couldn’t find a Tahoe in my price range. A salesman laughed in the face of my family and me and said, “good luck with that.” I walked out feeling defeated. But I continued to look. I prayed and believed that my car was out there. Then WHAM!  I saw her! In a small town, that I had never heard of, they had one of the models that I wanted and a regular model.  

Upon my arrival, this young woman genuinely and kindly walked over and said let’s talk discounts! We spoke for hours, like old friends. I went to the Credit Union, got approved for a loan, got a major discount, and was handed the keys to my 2021 TAHOE!!! God is awesome. It had 5 miles on it and was everything I wanted and needed.  After this great accomplishment and feeling of victory over my doubters, I had to go back to that toxic job.

I did not know that God also had a plan for that too. He planned for me to walk away from a toxic environment with toxic people that did not value my worth. Toxicity is very real in the workplace. I suffered years of abuse that I did not recognize as abuse because I had never been treated differently in any other workplace.

For example, the accusations of managers that I had done something incorrect or the pointing of fingers that some mistake was my fault, despite me raising concerns over whatever the aforementioned topic may have been. Letting managers belittle me behind closed doors, during our private conversations. Finally, the feeling that every decision or keystroke I made had to be explained. I did not recognize this as workplace abuse or bullying, instead, to me, it was perfectly normal because this is the way I was always treated.

Then it happened. I resigned, read about it in the previous blog. I went to work at a place with less pay but better opportunities, I thought. However, that was not my work home either. Only that time I recognized it and then I landed a place where my skill sets are able to speak for themselves. No questions about what I am doing, no explaining my decisions just conversations with management in case they get questions in a meeting in which I am not present; no belittling, blaming, pointing fingers. It’s the perfect opposite. As a matter of a fact, I had to get used to this treatment. I still find it weird no one asks me why this or why that. That’s crazy, isn’t it? I don’t have to ask permission to use my PTO. When I brought it up to my manager, he said, “put it on your calendar and an out of office. Enjoy”. My eyes teared up and I walked away to breathe and say wow, really God?

January of 2021, my beloved dog died of cancer. I hate cancer! He always had a big belly but one day it was bigger than usual so my sister and I rushed him to the vet, where she told us he had cancer. We, cried in Walmart (we always bought him a toy when he went to the vet). We bought a toy and rushed to him immediately. We gave him his toy and rubbed him while talking to the vet. We brought him home, and a week later, he was tired and ready to go. Our cat (his daughter, literally he picked her from the litter and raised her to be a cat-dog) cried for him and laid next to him. She said her goodbyes and we brought him to be put down and as my sister handed him to the technician he let go. We cried again, this time tears of joy that he is no longer suffering, that he is running around barking at everything that moves in the sky. Our house was at peace with his passing but was mourning the lack of his physical existence.

By July, none of us could handle the quietness in the house. The cat kept looking for him, waiting for him or something to make noise as he was the noisiest thing in our home. So, in July, we went back and forth on whether or not we were ready for a new pet. We went to the vet to ask about our cat and her readiness to move forward. She said, with cats, it’s hard to know, but even if she’s ready it will take time for her to get used to a new dog or animal.

We were on the hunt for a new pet. First, we thought of another cat. But the older kitten attacked our cat so we returned it and kept searching, this time for something younger. Then, I saw her, a puppy. A Mountain Cur and Pit Bull mix! She was adorable, with big round grey eyes and long floppy ears. I called and we said, to one another, we will just look. We met the owner and fell in love with the puppy. She was 8 weeks old and scared. We drove her in our new truck to her new home. As she slept the cat came upstairs, sniffed her, hissed and growled, and ran back to her spot of comfort. We didn’t know how to feel or interpret that, other than she wasn’t ready. So, we decided to keep them in the same area but the puppy crated and away from the cat’s personal space. She went to the vet and checked out as healthy and now we are 7 months in with the puppy and the cat finally tolerates her being around. I’m so glad it worked out; God is good.

Who would have thought that in 7 months, so much could happen? The chains I broke in those 7 months included: taking risks, not letting others determine and knowing my worth, knowing that I deserve to put myself first, and most importantly the chain of being physically linked to others. It feels so good to be free. I just have to learn how to remain separated.

Another powerful chain I broke: depression.

In those seven months, I suffered from depression, anxiety, and fear of the unknown. I do not think enough people stop to recognize that mental illness in those forms is very real. I tried to lift myself up and move forward but every day seemed to drag me lower and lower. Life at one point really did not seem worth it, I understand, truly understand how people can get so low. It crept on top of me like a slow shadow that settles on the ground as the sunsets. Except it was heavy, almost unbearable. I was there alone, despite family and friends around me telling me I was not alone. I did not seek a therapist, because the last time I went, we only talked. And while that provided temporary relief, it managed to creep on me before my next appointment. The medicine I took slowed me down and made me feel like nothing was getting accomplished, leaving me sinking further into depression.

So, how did I escape this cloud?

I ran like hell! I released everything I was feeling to people that I’m close to and when I got that moment of temporary relief, I outran that heavy cloud. I prayed to Jesus, focused on things that made me happy, I bought things, I made other people happy (one of my favorite things to do for people as I see fit), I slept, and I ran! It sounds funny, reading this, saying I ran but I did. If you are experiencing depression, please talk to someone and when you get that temporary relief, that glimpse of sunshine, embrace it and hold on to that feeling! Run from that cloud, pray, and if medicines work for you, then take them but you have to stay focused and hard-pressed on surviving. Many things in the world can bring you down, but don’t let it be a feeling of depression or someone’s opinion of you.

If I survived by the grace of God, you are able to survive as well. We deserve to take advantage of everything life has to offer!

In January 2022, I decided that it was time to get my sister and my business up and running. I told God that I wanted one sale by the end of January. Even though my family may not always get along, they are there sometimes when I need them. My mom made the first sale. I called her and was thrilled that we made our first sale. I was also thrilled that I learned my lessons when she was my customer. Things I learned: I would be losing money if my prices remained that low, I forgot to add taxes, and I need to take into account my vendor’s timeline on the delivery of the product that I send to them.

Now, here we are in February and I have decided to get back to writing this blog because I missed it. I decided to keep learning about how e-commerce works and growing my business as one day, it will become my primary income.

Please go to https://sahiji-gems.com to check out our online store and purchase a moment that may speak to you!