Recently, I was told of some news that did not affect me in the way that people would have hoped, and I do not regret my reaction. Let me explain.
What I remember about my childhood is much different than what others remember. I am not here to discredit their truth, but unfortunately, for them, their truth is not mine. I was told, that my father was: present, bought me everything I wanted and more, I was his favorite, he spoiled me, he loved me more than he loved my other siblings (whom he did not assist in creating), and that he was great. I was told that he was on drugs, left around the time I got sick, and did not know my youngest sister.
What I remember of him was: waiting for him to pick me up and he never showed, him not being present when I was sick, him sending me and my sister $7 to split, and a picture of him holding the Bible telling me over the phone that he has changed and is getting better. I remember him speaking to my stepfather saying, “Thank you for taking care of my family,” and not knowing my youngest sister’s name.
Anyway, much time has passed since I have spoken to him on the phone or received any mail correspondence. My older sisters now and again, would bring him up into conversations of “remember when…”, and laugh and talk. Well, no, I never remember when. So, I received a phone call from my mother on 02/09/2024, saying, “Your dad is dead.” She sounded so, sad or something. It made me chuckle. I apologized but the thought of someone dying whom I did not know, was kind of funny. Especially, because I did not know the expected reaction. What dad? I said oh okay. Then she said, “he died on December 16, 2023.” I said “Okay, I never knew him so I do not feel any different than knowing he was alive. I am sorry, that I do not know how you want me to react but I did not know him.” She said to tell your sister, and I told her I would. Then my youngest sister said, okay and we moved forward.
About fifteen minutes later, my mother calls back and says, that she told my oldest sisters and shared details of their conversation. When she finished, I said “Okay.” I sensed some feelings of disappointment that I did not feel the way they all did, one way or the other, but I did not know him. The same thing happened when my cousin died, who is older than me. I never knew him either. All the stories they recalled, well, I cannot and will not spend feelings that I do not have on people that I did not know.
It amazes me how people who are bound and dragged down by their past and memories try to wrap that same chain around me too. I am not allowing it. Keep the chain that bound you to your past and memories remain around you, do not come lugging that over here and trying to throw it around me, because I am disencumbering my chains, not adding more.
I pray that my family finds the peace they need because until they do, they need to remain over there with their chains. I will not allow them to drown me in their past sorrows and pain. That is not my chain to carry.
I am not here to discredit anyone’s truth, but that truth is not mine. Again, remember that chain is not mine to bear. May God grant peace over the Long and Gates families and let His Will be done. And may R. Long, rest in peace.
Disencumbering my Chains 