Trust means being able to believe in the ability or character of someone. I have always felt like I am not enough. I am not good enough at this or that, to be good at something. Even to this day, people ask, what are your strengths, I reply very generically with answers one could find on Google. What am I good at? What do I feel confident enough to say I am good at?
It took me so long to trust myself and what I know. I remember one of the best managers I have ever had said, “Rhonda, trust your gut. What is it telling you?” I replied, “Nothing.” He responded, “How do you feel about it? If you don’t know, think about it. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.” That was that. I never knew that conversation would hold so much power and so much release with me discovering who God wants me to be and what I am capable of. I sat dumbfounded at my desk, thinking about this gut and trust. Instead, I relied on what the data told me, which was not wrong, but imagine if I was confident enough to say what we both already knew.
It is common to hear people discuss how a new skill developed them through an opportunity provided by their manager. My best managers taught me how to trust myself. How to take calculated risks, and when they did not work out, how to shrug and say, “Oh well, I at least tried. Now, let’s fix it.” I never trusted myself before moments like those. Even after those moments, I found it hard to rely on my instincts. For so long, no one trusted me to make decisions, even for myself. I recall never having to decide anything while attending University and living independently. My experiences, both good and bad, helped to mold me into the person that I am attempting to free.
It is interesting how the way I perceive myself is how I imagine others perceive me as well. I lack the confidence to trust my findings and so I assume that others too will lack the confidence to trust my findings, despite me knowing the most in the room about a particular subject. I hesitate or insist their solution would be better instead of providing the best solution. This has caused me to miss out on so many opportunities, such as promotions. I was offered a leadership role, but I could not find it within myself to be able to trust my decisions, so I consistently thought why would anyone else trust me? Wonder if they said, “She does not know what she’s doing,” or “She’s incompetent.” I could not face that criticism or have those thoughts play over and over in my head, so I declined. People that believed in me were so supportive of me taking that role, but I could not overcome my mind. So, I sat back and hated every manager I had while remaining where I was. God gives me chances to do what He has called me to do, but sometimes I find myself too afraid to take the leap of faith. Imagine where I could be right now. Instead, I am where I am because of this chain that I let hold me down.
The chain of being incapable of Trusting Myself. It is so interesting because I can talk myself into any job during an interview, or into any project or task but when it comes time to make a decision, I run to a corner to cower down and be quiet. I am an odd person. As my confidence builds I feel myself flexing my muscle to tell people what I am good at in interviews. I have so much knowledge but not enough confidence to tell people what I know.
I want this one job so bad. I interviewed really well and am a top candidate per the recruiter. However, to be in this role, I will not be able to cower in corners and not make decisions. I will not be able to be silent or deny what I know. I wonder if God looks at me and says, “I know you can do it but until you know, I am unable to open certain doors.” I am so afraid that I will never reach my potential because of all of the chains that hold me down. This is why I work on breaking those chains. Another example, I have lived in Costa Rica and visited Cuba and I still tell people I am intermediate at Spanish. To me, until I become a native Spanish speaker, I will always be intermediate. Imagine if I just walked into my skill to speak Spanish. All the doors that could open, the trust and confidence I would have in myself.
I read the short motivational speech by Les Brown called The Ghost of Your Potential (look it up if it sounds unfamiliar), it is about a dying person who sees all the things he or she could have been or done with his or her skills and talents. After reading this I thought, I pray that I am able to reach my full potential in life and use all of the skills and talents that God has given me. I do not want God to look at me and say the reason why is because of you. Imagine everything that could be unlocked if I could get out of these chains before it is too late.
Currently, I am working on confidently stating the skills I have. I am working on trusting what I know and the knowledge that I have. I am working on trusting my intuition. I try making little decisions within my house, because I barely make decisions there, but I am working on it. It is a process to change habits and this is no different. I am so grateful that I have learned to show myself love, patience, and mercy. I am so grateful for Managers to challenge me to grow personally as well as professionally, and I am so grateful for the love of my Lord Jesus Christ and God the Father as they continue to lead me through this life.
Disencumbering my Chains 