Some days I feel that I am surrounded by ridiculous people. They live the life they chose, regret their choices but refuse to change, and continue to look to others to either up one another about their horrible conditions or look pathetic to gather support and sympathy. I do not feel bad for them or feel the need to change their conditions as they sometimes suggest because they chose that life. However, their decisions do not stop me from forgiving them and letting go.
Forgiveness to me means that I have released all ill feelings and moved forward. I listen to people talk about how much closer I should be to them and others but my answer is always the same, “no, I am okay.” I believe I should not put myself back in those situations in which I allow others to hurt or abuse me. Allowing others to disrespect my boundaries and cause a false image of a situation is abuse. And I am not willing to allow that to happen. I will continue to speak to them as necessary but not any more than that. After all, I am working on letting them go not re-attaching.
God has a way of calling me out to ensure that I am practicing what I preach. For a while, I have known that some people required assistance, but I felt it was a trap to grab me back into this toxic web, so, I kept my distance. The sad part is that I did not realize that this feeling was driven by my inability to let go of the past and the pain that this person caused. In the end, I realized it was the ones that were attached to my offender that needed assistance. After a conversation with them, I was able to minimally interact with the offender while stepping in to do what I felt was requested of me by Jesus Christ. It was Him because He made a way.
Is this wound completely healed, NO! It will take time for me to continue to let them go. They take up space in my mind when I am alone, or attempting something new. They continue to silently remind me of who I was and try to stifle the image of who I currently am. I hate that! I try my best to focus on something else then BOOM, they appear and take up my thoughts. As I struggle to take back my thoughts and focus on my growth, I think I have not completely let them go, yet. It is so hard some days because they are intertwined in my life by a thin strand. My solution has been to thank the Lord God for who I am today. When I thank God, it is like everything else subsides. But when will I be over those incidents, feelings, and past interactions? When I truly let go and accept the person that I am.
Thus, I have decided to continue to focus on Jesus Christ and to continue to let Him work it out between me and them. God is the holder of everything in my life and theirs whether they know it or not. Forgiving does not mean engaging with those people it means releasing the hurt and pain that I feel or felt when I am around them so I can continue to grow and move forward. My next step in healing this wound is to be able to look at them and say, that is the life they chose, and I wish them the best without judgment or thought.
Life is beautiful because every morning God breathes life into my body, He provides me with an opportunity to move forward and to let go. Every day I let go a little more. One day, I will be completely free from these feelings that lock me in place and take up mental space. I will rejoice once more when that chain is disencumbered.
Disencumbering my Chains 