Some people do not deserve my time or energy. Some people need to be released. Those people, I do not try to hang out with, keep up with, or even acknowledge their existence. Why? Well, one, it would be bad for my mental health, two, they do not respect my boundaries, and three, the lies that they tell or the way they make me feel does not accelerate my growth, it instead holds me back.
I have written about letting people go and forgiving them, but I realized it is a wound that needs to be cleaned, wrapped, have air exposure, and be closed, so here I am. How will I do this? I have already begun to close this wound. I took a deep hard look into the people that hurt me and how they hurt me. I asked why they hurt me and realized it is not about why they hurt me as much as it is about why I allowed them to hurt me. I realized I often felt hurt by those that I trust and felt deeply connected with.
When I let people into my life, it means I trust them. I trust them with my secrets, pains, joys, and my heart. I hold them to an expectation of being there for me and handling my innermost feelings with respect and love. Then they chose to cause more pain because they know what cuts me deeply, they know how to hurt me. It is so different to be hurt by those you love than by someone who is an outsider. This has caused me to cut off so many people and not trust anyone. Everyone remains on the stranger level with me. My co-workers only know what is necessary, nothing more. They talk about their family and when it gets to me, I share I have sisters… the end.
People have to earn my trust; I will not hand it out to everyone that appears to be a friend. There have been some good learnings out of this wound. For instance, my skin is now thicker than I thought was possible for me. I take feedback as an opportunity for me to honestly gauge and determine if that aspect needs to be adjusted or if it is justified to remain the same. I used to take feedback personally and try to change so that I fixed every criticism, but not anymore. Another example of a positive learning of not trusting everyone is the realization that everyone is not meant to be with me or will be happy for me. Everyone seems happy for my successes but then there are hints of jealousy or bad advice that is given to throw me off track. Looking objectively at people and praying that God shows me a person’s intentions has assisted me in recognizing if they are truly a supporter or a detractor.
There are people within my own family that I have had to let go of and forgive them of their trespasses against me. I have honestly forgiven them and let them go. It took a little while for me to realize that I need to let them go but once I did, I started to separate myself and go to God for the strength to let go. It was not easy. I thought it is okay if they embarrass me because they are buying me things that I need or loaning me money. It is okay if they ridicule me because I am younger than them and I get to hang out with them. It is okay if talk down to me and lessen my confidence to defend myself because they also got my back if I needed it. NONE OF IT WAS OKAY! I found out some twenty years later when I was standing alone and no one was there like I thought they would be.
That cut me so deeply. I buried it and forgot about it. I kept receiving advice from these same people about what to say to others to show that I can stand up for myself, and like a recorder, I repeated the words verbatim. Then they stopped feeding me words and started getting vague on the advice, leaving me to figure it out. I let these people take from me, my confidence, tongue, and reason. It did not matter if they wanted the little money I had, a car, or credit. I trusted them. I was hurt but I buried it deep. I covered it and moved on like I was taught to do. Hold it in and never let it show unless it benefited me, such as Sickle Cell did.
As I continued to get older, I got wiser. I got closer to God. I regained my reason and my tongue began to grow back but not my confidence. I did what so many people do, I ran away from the situation. I needed space to think, to plan how to get better, how to heal this wound. Every time I felt myself getting peace, I would be dragged back into the same situation feeling trapped. Then one day God blessed me to untangle myself from them. I moved, and I could breathe.
After more time, God and I worked together to start healing this wound by releasing this pain to Him and letting them go. He reminded me that I cannot control my own situation, so how can I control others, well, I cannot and neither can anyone else. So, forgive them and let them go.
I truly let them go. I will not be around them unnecessarily or involve myself in their messes or rescue them out of their troubles, as I have done in the past. I will not stress out about their situations or fill my spirit with their lies or fake stories or the things they hold on to. I am trying to remain focused on Jesus Christ and making it to Heaven. I pray we will all be there but here on this earth; everyone is not meant to travel with me or have my best interest in mind.
I will continue this journey of healing this wound. I will continue to forgive the people that hurt me and let them go with God’s assistance because I am unable to do this alone. I refuse to continue to carry this burden with me any longer. So, here’s to releasing it!
Disencumbering my Chains 