I forgive myself for being flawed. Through forgiving myself first and showing mercy, I am truly able to forgive others and show mercy as well. I forgive myself for accepting the things I see and not the things that Jesus has for me. I forgive myself for all my past hurts and pains that I have held on to. How did I do it?
I left it at the altar. I went to Jesus and prayed, “Lord help me to forgive myself and let go of all of the pain that I have caused myself.” I have caused myself to go through hell because I am unable to forgive myself for my trespasses. As I mentioned previously, I am unable to look at myself in the mirror because I believe my sins are so horrific that I make myself sick. This morning I looked at myself in the mirror. Last night, I looked at myself in the mirror, then had a crazy idea to cut my hair strands. So, I did it. Want to know what happened? Nothing. At first, I felt a rush of shame and embarrassment, but afterward, I felt nothing. I moved forward, feeling like I need hair scissors so that I am able to trim my hair, I know I can do it and if not, then that is what stylists are for.
Life is about living and taking chances and I could not truly move forward because I never truly forgave myself for any of my trespasses. I will remain to hold myself to a higher standard because that is what I believe the Lord God requires of me. He does not want me to be like everyone else but He wants me to be kinder, gentler, and more forgiving to myself. This is hard, as I have always self-punished to the point of illness. One day at a time, I will learn to say, “it is okay, Rhonda. Do not do it again, and you have time to prove you are stronger than the place where you fell.” That felt good to say that to me and to truly believe it, but again I will be taking this forgiveness one day at a time as it feels foreign and uncomfortable to allow myself so much grace.
I have decided to look at the good times I have shared with people and only recall those times and feelings. I have to let go of everything else. All of the negativity that I have been secretly harboring and hiding, I have to clean that closet out. That has not all happened yet, but daily I will pull out a piece of it, look at it, acknowledge it, and then forgive that person or experience and let it go. I will replace that negativity with positivity and ask Jesus to keep filling me up.
I have decided to look at everything as a lesson. There are lessons to be learned or testimonies to be shared. For example, I was bullied growing up. I have learned and testified that people only do things that you allow them to do. If I had stood up for myself, the chances of being bullied would have been non-existent. Currently, I am able to speak up for myself and people respect me. It was a miracle that I found my voice to speak, it only took me about 30 years to learn to say my first no. No, to work, no to family, no to things that I do not want to do, and no to things that do not align with my values. Better late than never. I wish it was sooner, but I am forgiving myself for not finding my voice sooner and saying no to more things that still linger in my life today. With forgiving myself comes the expectation of all things work out for my good. The Bible says so, and I believe in God’s Word. No matter what I have faced, will face, or not face, it will all be for my good. Because God is good, ALL THE TIME! One day at a time, I will continue to forgive myself and show more and more compassion when I fall. I get up, but I tend to rise with my regrets and self-destructive habits. Now I will rise with God’s forgiveness, goodness, love, and mercy.
Disencumbering my Chains 