I will be focusing on healing my deep lacerations, so those cuts serve as another reminder as to how God assisted me in overcoming them rather than placing a band-aid to cover those deep wounds. Many people have filleted me so many times that it is a wonder as to how there is still skin and muscles covering my bones. The coverage that I have is what I have managed to collect after the ordeal of peeling my body apart was over. That is how Rhonda was made by man and being made. Every day, someone in some shape or fashion cuts me open a little and takes pieces of me, and whatever is left is what I manage to pull back up into the spots that they cut into. My heart is frequently heavy and acts as if it cannot make it. But, I remind it that it has been cut, bruised, smashed, and damaged since the day I arrived. Yet, I am still here.
I have prayed that my enemies that come to engulf my heart and spirit perish or at least move somewhere else before I perish from the pain that I experience. Every time, God blesses me, and my enemies go somewhere else. I have tried to place my heart in a steel box, but the box is more like a perforated wooden box that is impacted by the elements. The result is that my heart still bleeds out in anguish. I feel like I am forever caught in torment.
As I mentioned that I am working on breaking the boundaries that were laid on me, but it is not easy. I find myself returning to the way that I was because that’s what everyone expects. I am tired of being what everyone expects but that is all I have ever been. I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced this or is experiencing this. I am tired and it is tiring. Who do I want to be? I do not know but I know that I want to be free to do whatever it is that I want to do. What is stopping me? My heart. I have deep feelings of remorse when I do not do something that someone wants me to do. I have true regret saying no when people expect me to say yes.
My heart causes me to fall in line with what others expect of me. I want to scream but it is not acceptable or something that I should because it shows that I do not have it all together. So instead, I internally sulk because I am too afraid to break the chain to even scream out loud. I smile on the outside and act as if I have it together. I fall apart on the inside but on the outside look immaculate. I rebelled once and sit in deep regret still to this day.
I rebelled by going natural. Honestly, I was tired of doing my hair and the expectations that people had that it has to look a certain way. Thus, I said, I am going natural, and I will do nothing with it because it is natural. This hair thing is more work than putting in a relaxer, parting it to the side, and moving on with my life. Sure, it burned for 5 to 10 minutes depending on how coarse it was but then it was over. This once again proves that someone else knew me better than me or that someone else was right in dictating my life. Everything gets to me. Little or big, it gets to my heart, and it sits there forever, I never forget. My heart does not let me, it just sits there. I forgive I think or maybe I get over it as I have been doing for so many years.
I remember times when my dad’s family never came to pick me up for a family reunion after promising that they would. I use the term dad loosely, he would be better described as my mom’s sperm donor. I cannot recall him at all in person, only stories of how he spoiled me. Apparently, around the time I would have been old enough to remember him, he had run away to chase his addiction. I was so little, but I remember. I waited, I was so happy to take a trip to meet all the cousins that I have never met and play all day, but they never came. That cut me deeply. That day I remember being disappointed and crying. Then it was over and I moved forward, covering that disappointment with a band-aid. I remember I had gotten older and I went over to visit them, when I could drive, I do not know why, or what I was going to say or do, but when I got there they were not home. I thank God that they were not home, because how many other times would I have been lied to or disappointed? I was told that they asked about me once and I instructed that person not to share my information with them. I do not want to add any more garbage to my life than I already have. To this day, my heart hurts to recall that instance because it hurt me so deeply. I learned that family does not mean much.
There were times when I was determined to not live off the social system and get a job. Knowing that I was trying to make it, I was directed to get refund checks from school as a way to pay my bills and survive. Well, later I learned that it was also a way for me to provide a free living status to the person that directed me to do so. Family does not mean much. Today, my education debt is way higher than it should be because at the time I did not understand that big refund checks meant more money due back to the State who provided the loans. You live and you learn.
I put a band-aid over that instance and moved forward, again not knowing if I had truly forgiven that person or if I just kept going. That’s how I am even today, I just keep going, until my heart feels like it will stop or tells me to stop moving for a minute.
I do my best to be a honest person and live my life as I believe God intended me to live. Once I tried to steal a candy bar when I was younger but got caught and that ended my thieving days. I am glad it did, as I do not want to be as others are. I used to try to lie but my mom would always catch me in a lie, so I am not a good liar to this day. I am glad I am not as I do not want to be like others. I am not perfect by any means but I do my best to be an honest person and live right. The only thing I have ever gotten in return is heartaches, headaches, and body aches that leave me feeling crippled. And yet, I crawl on, until I can stand to walk on.
I just keep going. Placing band-aids over the injuries that I have received. It will be painful to tear these covers off and I do not know what I am hoping to discover or become but this may be what I need to truly heal. I wonder if my heart will continue to never let me forget the way I felt during those experiences.
There is so much that I carry in my heart. Such as the time when a family member suggested I sold my body to make ends meet. I could not believe it, my heart ached for a while just thinking how could that person suggest that to me, knowing that I have never experienced the world in that manner or know where to start. I have forgiven that person for so many trespasses and yet, I go back to that person for professional advice. When I look around, all I have are these people that call themselves my family, perhaps that is why my heart aches and never lets me forget.
It may be time to truly separate. People do it every day. My heart has a lot of wounds that need to heal and I will be working on peeling off those band-aids slowly. Once the band-aid is off, I will clean it with peroxide and alcohol, put Neosporin on it and wrap it up for a day or two then let the air heal it. It is time to get to the root of my problems and stop masking them. I pray that I am strong enough to do so and that it will result in disencumbering my chains.
Disencumbering my Chains 