2022 Mother’s Day impacted me a little differently than it normally does. It was not because my mom had changed but because of a gift I received. I am a pet parent. I have a teenage cat-daughter who is moody and very vocal about what she likes and does not. I have a little puppy girl that has her terrible moments but knows how to butter me up to get what she wants, yes, I am a sucker for cuteness.
Anyways, my mom gifted me with pictures of me growing up. I am not sure if anyone will understand but I look at those pictures and do not recognize the “Rhonda” in those photos. I mean I remember the hairstyles, and the clothes, but not who I was as a person. I have always taken the identity that others have laid on me. This is a sad confession, but it is time that I face another truth, I do not know who I am.
Growing up, I have been called or thought of as many things. The top descriptors I have stepped into were weak, sickly, quiet, soft, and the pushover. As I have gotten older, the new descriptors I have stepped into were stronger than before, capable, smart, comedian, hypocrite, and different. I find myself continuing to wear the descriptors that people (my own family) lay on me. I have never known any different.
I recently heard someone say, “no one knows their purpose or what they want because they do not know themselves.” Well, hello, I am one of those people. I often ponder what is my purpose, what am I hear for, what did God save me for, and who am I. Things I know about myself:
- I often speak negatively to myself and do not give myself enough credit
- I punish myself for my spiritual failures and weaknesses, despite knowing that perfection will never be reached
- I give up when I cannot achieve something but will strive to do it anyway because it is another expectation or descriptor laid on me that I accept
- I do not know what I like or dislike, every experience has been okay because once again, it is another expectation or descriptor laid on me
- I feel that no one truly supports me, every time there is something new, I want to try, most respond with “okay, it is another thing you want to try, go ahead” as if it will end negatively
- The goals I create are unachievable because I allow others to keep me from reaching them
- I struggle with life
- I struggle with keeping God first
- I am curious to know what the world offers and want to live without thinking of spiritual consequences, but my mind or guilty conscious stops me
- I make up excuses for why I cannot do the things I yearn to do
- I know I am Christian and love the Lord God and Jesus Christ
- I started this blog as a way to clear my head of thoughts that were/are weighing on me and I need to get back to it weekly
Thus, I have to find out who Rhonda is and even who she wants to be. I have no aspirations as to who I even want to be. I know I want the following:
- To be wealthy not rich
- Be healthy to enjoy my wealth
- Happiness
- Friends outside of my family
- Freedom
- To travel
- Independence from everyone and everything
It is sad that at thirty-seven, I do not have an identity, and that I am made up of others’ thoughts and opinions, and projections of themselves. However, since I am not dead yet, it may not too late to find out who Rhonda is. I am going to start by taking myself out once a month and doing different things.
I am going to date myself, some ideas I have are dinner, mini-golfing, a gun range, hiking, walking, bowling, a bookstore, and stores. Maybe I do not even like these things, perhaps, I do them because others do them.
Once I know what I like and do not like, that will help me to define who Rhonda is and who she is not.
Disencumbering my Chains 