Christmas

Christmas is coming up! I am using this Christmas to reflect on my life. When I think about what Jesus Christ did for me, I wonder if this year showed Him that I was thankful, grateful, and any better than last year. Every year, I hope to get better, stronger, and more focused on my priorities. Well, how did I do?

Frankly, I got worse towards the latter part of this year. I started strong! I was focused, dedicated, and stayed on the straight and narrow. However, as time passed, I began to lose sight of my values, morals, and Jesus. Now, here I am telling myself that every day I live will be better than the day before, but am I? No, I have the same patterns, weaknesses, and struggles as I did yesterday. I know that nothing happens overnight, demons do not die or fade at once, it takes practice to face them and say, “not today” and refocus that energy in a positive direction. Although I have a long way to go, every day is an opportunity granted by God’s mercy for a chance to do a little better. I have noticed small progress but seeing from a big-picture view I have a long way to grow.

This year I have learned many things. I will highlight three. I have learned that material objects are replaceable but not the one life we have on this earth. My mom’s kitchen caught fire a few weeks ago, I may have mentioned it previously, but my only concern was her health and well-being. That stove was replaced in a week but how would I have replaced her if she had died in a house fire? Some years ago, my little sister was involved in an accident that flipped another car and she was scared to drive and still is scared to drive a car that makes noises or does not run as it should. A couple of months ago, we were driving through a construction zone, I was driving a different car in front of her and the car she was driving tire had a flat. The air was leaking quickly. She slowed down and had a small panic attack. Wonder if she panicked enough to stop in the middle of traffic or got hit by another car as she tried to get over to the shoulder due to fear. Tires are replaceable but not loved ones. Sure, I complained about the bad warranty on the stove that caught fire and the nail on the road, but I thanked and still thank God that I still have my mom and sister.

I learned that without Jesus I cannot do anything. This may seem obvious but for me, I can always tell when I stray too far. My days are bad, nothing goes right, and I have a depressed outlook on life. It is so sad that I stray in the first place but to lose sight of Jesus is painful. I have felt so alone this year at times, even in the company of my closest friends. I have felt like there is nothing worth living for despite everything going right, I have felt like the days blend without purpose or reason. I felt like I was just there as the entire world passed me by. Everyone around me is happy, and the sun is shining, yet there I was in a dark corner alone without even a slight glimmer of light. Then one day, I would whisper a prayer for help and still, it was like I was stuck in this dark space. So, I would reach out to my prayer partner, and she would pray for me, and a couple of days would go by with me still feeling like I was in this dark corner. And out of nowhere, I could hear a bird sing, or my dog would walk up to me and put her head on my lap, or my cat would cuddle extra close to me, and I would silently drop a couple of tears and a type of heat covers me and I can see a glimmer of light. I cannot quite explain it, but it is like watching the sun rise over a tree. First, it will just hit the bottom of the tree and rise until it covers the entire tree and everything around it, that is what the heat does to me. It starts small then creeps over my entire body a little at a time until I can see the life in everything around me and I know that it is God holding me close in his arms. Then I am no longer sitting in darkness but in a room full of light. I realize that life is never as bad as it seems but now and then darkness reaches me. But Jesus is my light and guide.

A final lesson that I will share is that being alone is not so bad sometimes. When I am at home, I am rarely physically alone. However, as of late, I enjoy the car ride to work alone, going to the store alone, going to church alone, and being at work alone. One day soon, I will take myself out on a date alone. I have encouraged my sister to go out and do things alone, like her hair or nails. It is okay to be alone, just be smart. As we continue to grow, we will understand that being alone does not mean being lonely or depressed, it just means taking time to breathe, which we all need.

One thing I most definitely need is the time to get my life back and re-focused on Jesus. As Christmas comes and goes, I want to look back at my life near Christmas 2023 and know that Jesus died for me because I lived and am living like I am worth it. Like last year, I will not make resolutions, as they never last, but I will focus on the word dedication. I will give everything I have, and focus all my efforts on loving Jesus enough to face and fight my demons so when Jesus calls, I will be ready.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!