Update

As far as my hair goes, it is still a mess. I keep trying to water, oil and speak positively to it as if it is a plant but like my plants, it does not look like it will survive. Instead of my ends getting puffy and cute just the roots are expanding and as of today, my banana clip can no longer put up with the stress of trying to hold it. So, I go to work looking like I have not combed my hair in a week. I am embarrassed to show up most days, but it is how my bills are getting paid, so I muster the little confidence I have in my looks for the day and show up. I am going to run back to my mom to braid it despite my edges and middle becoming tender under the stress of the braids. Maybe this is a sign to go back to relaxers. I remember when I was a little younger and I tried to go natural, and all my hair would do is go into an afro. Today, I would be grateful if it returned to that afro as it is just a puffed mess sitting on top of my head with a couple of straight ends sticking out. It looks pathetic and that is how it makes me feel. Now and again, it will go into a cute style as if it is trying to revitalize my hope in my hair succeeding in its naturalness.

Work. Work is changing. I told my Director that I am applying internally for a different role, and he politely derailed the plan. He instead suggested that I shadowed the other department. This is fine, because he may have slowed down my plan to run to another role, but he cannot slow down the progress of networking. I reached out to the new department’s VP whom I met through a random conversation. We connected and I expressed my interest then he wanted to speak with my current Director, whom I spoke to first of course, and the plan: let Rhonda shadow your team first to make sure it is what she thinks it is. The Director approached me and said I spoke to the VP and asked that you shadow his team first. I was caught off guard but not shocked. I responded, ok and continued my work.

Then he called me into his office and said, “you know; I would like the projects completed before you transition.” In my mind, “what projects,” as if he read my thoughts, he named three IT projects that I have no control over their completion. I said “okay” and went to my desk to start planning my transition, if not into that other role with the VP, then somewhere else. As I said before, this is not it. I do not know how to complete this job, which may sound funny, but I accepted this job as a sourcing analyst and have not sourced one thing.

I was thinking about what I did in my last sourcing role and googling what sourcing analysts should be doing and my job does not align. I am instead sending emails and saving files to SharePoint. In my former sourcing role, it was clear, but it was also commodity specific. It revolved around finding vendors, expressing the company’s needs, asking for samples, getting feedback from that category team, and either signing them onboard or finding a different supplier. This role is so different.

It is not category or commodity specific. I am not involved with finding suppliers, letting them know the company’s needs, asking for samples, getting feedback from internal stakeholders, or onboarding them. I have no idea what I am doing in this role. I am frustrated and struggling. I need to get out of this role, sourcing for this company is not the role for me. I do not enjoy this work.

Personal freedom. I am taking photography lessons to provide myself with a little escape from the real world into a world of beauty and daydreaming. I am excited and wondering if by spending this money if my priorities are in the right place, but I do not care right now. I deserve to do something I enjoy. I need to provide myself with a little glimpse of freedom and peace. Who would have thought that reaching peace would also mean fighting to enjoy it? The lessons have been rescheduled twice; I am glad I have not paid for the lessons yet. They start December 30^th, so we will see how they go.

I always enjoyed putting puzzles together, so I have started a 1,000-piece puzzle that has been delivering eustress. Today, I went to work and found out that my dog devoured the pieces off the table, there was no evidence to be found. Really??? Yes, she did. Yes, she did. Now, I will have to buy a new one and start over. It only took me 5 days to figure out 98% of the border, with help. There were only two pieces that did not fit… only two pieces. I am thanking God that I still have a job, that I have options for a new role, that I have a table to put my new puzzle on, and that I have hair. Life is not that bad all-in-all. Christmas is coming up, which means at least remembering why I am here in the first place; to glorify Jesus Christ, and to remember all the things that Jesus saved me from True Hell! Life can give glimpses of Hell but thank the Lord, that life will not always be Hell. All things shall pass, even my struggle with this hair.