As an imperfect person, I tend to worry. I worry about my actions and the reactions that follow, I worry about my Performance Review, I worry about my hair and the clothes that I wear, and I worry about the health of my family members.
Lately, I noticed the health of my mother is troubling me. As she continues to get older, things are starting to change. Her hair is now softer and growing longer than it ever has. Her eyes are greying now and are not as good as they used to be. Her legs do not carry her as well as they used to. But the most troubling thing is her mind is not as sharp as it once was. She can recall many things, showing that she still has long-term memory, but her short-term memory is fading.
My mom has other health problems that do not make this short-term memory loss any easier for her. I watch her as she notices that she is no longer in control of her mind and listen to her frustration. She is used to having it all together and now, everything is falling apart little by little. Just as I am learning more and more about her, I am also learning more about myself.
I am not ready for this to happen. I am not prepared for this to happen. I feel like I am losing control of a portion of my life and it is not okay. There will be tough questions to answer, such as: where will she live, who will drive her to and from appointments, money management, what is troubling her that has to be dealt with, and I am sure so many other questions.
I have always been a planner, a preparer but this I have not thought of preparing for. Why? Because my mom has always had it all together, as far as I have known her. She figures it out, she keeps moving forward but what happens when she can no longer move forward? She will always be viewed in my eyes as a person that is strong-willed, beautiful, loving, and my hero.
The good thing is that Jesus is ready for me to cast all of my worries on Him, but I tell Him as well, that I am still concerned. I understand that God the Father has all of this worked out but this is another phase that I must live through and it may not be easy. My mom took care of my stepfather until his last breath, well, wonder if I am not strong enough to do the same for her? We may be talking about years of commitment to watch her slowly deteriorate from the inside, lose her mind and watch her break over and over. I just don’t know. She is in the early stages of memory loss, so perhaps I have a while but if I find it hard to have patience with her in this stage, how will I react in the future?
I have to start planning, learning about resources, finding support groups, and who could help me with this process. Jesus knows I am going to need help.
Most importantly, I have to start planning and learning about resources, finding her support groups, and who could help her with this process. Jesus knows, she is going to need help.
I know that God my Father has this all figured out. I will be there for her; I know my patience will be tried but I would not be able to bear knowing I was not there because of my selfishness. I am sure there were times in which I tried her patience while growing up, and now that the roles have reversed, I will be there.
Please continue to pray for me and my family as we enter this new chapter of embracing our new environment.
Disencumbering my Chains 