Since July!

Hello everyone, I know it has been a while. Since July, so much has happened: lots of tears, fighting fears, learning self-belief, and most importantly, disencumbering more chains. By the middle of July, I had a new car, started a new job, and got a new puppy.

In July, my beloved Equinox gave out on me. She was never late on oil changes, tire rotations, or any other maintenance benchmarks. However, in July, she gave out on me. I brought her to the dealership, and they said that it would be better to buy a new car rather than continue to put band-aids on this one. I cried because I was not in a position to buy a new car. I was not making enough money at that job that wanted to get rid of me. I knew I was going to be fired soon, so I had to have other options. I considered that band-aid anyways but at the time I didn’t even have enough money to put one on there. So, I decided I would talk to God about it. I told Him I wanted a brand new 2021 Tahoe. I searched everywhere online, dealerships I knew and ones I didn’t, and couldn’t find a Tahoe in my price range. A salesman laughed in the face of my family and me and said, “good luck with that.” I walked out feeling defeated. But I continued to look. I prayed and believed that my car was out there. Then WHAM!  I saw her! In a small town, that I had never heard of, they had one of the models that I wanted and a regular model.  

Upon my arrival, this young woman genuinely and kindly walked over and said let’s talk discounts! We spoke for hours, like old friends. I went to the Credit Union, got approved for a loan, got a major discount, and was handed the keys to my 2021 TAHOE!!! God is awesome. It had 5 miles on it and was everything I wanted and needed.  After this great accomplishment and feeling of victory over my doubters, I had to go back to that toxic job.

I did not know that God also had a plan for that too. He planned for me to walk away from a toxic environment with toxic people that did not value my worth. Toxicity is very real in the workplace. I suffered years of abuse that I did not recognize as abuse because I had never been treated differently in any other workplace.

For example, the accusations of managers that I had done something incorrect or the pointing of fingers that some mistake was my fault, despite me raising concerns over whatever the aforementioned topic may have been. Letting managers belittle me behind closed doors, during our private conversations. Finally, the feeling that every decision or keystroke I made had to be explained. I did not recognize this as workplace abuse or bullying, instead, to me, it was perfectly normal because this is the way I was always treated.

Then it happened. I resigned, read about it in the previous blog. I went to work at a place with less pay but better opportunities, I thought. However, that was not my work home either. Only that time I recognized it and then I landed a place where my skill sets are able to speak for themselves. No questions about what I am doing, no explaining my decisions just conversations with management in case they get questions in a meeting in which I am not present; no belittling, blaming, pointing fingers. It’s the perfect opposite. As a matter of a fact, I had to get used to this treatment. I still find it weird no one asks me why this or why that. That’s crazy, isn’t it? I don’t have to ask permission to use my PTO. When I brought it up to my manager, he said, “put it on your calendar and an out of office. Enjoy”. My eyes teared up and I walked away to breathe and say wow, really God?

January of 2021, my beloved dog died of cancer. I hate cancer! He always had a big belly but one day it was bigger than usual so my sister and I rushed him to the vet, where she told us he had cancer. We, cried in Walmart (we always bought him a toy when he went to the vet). We bought a toy and rushed to him immediately. We gave him his toy and rubbed him while talking to the vet. We brought him home, and a week later, he was tired and ready to go. Our cat (his daughter, literally he picked her from the litter and raised her to be a cat-dog) cried for him and laid next to him. She said her goodbyes and we brought him to be put down and as my sister handed him to the technician he let go. We cried again, this time tears of joy that he is no longer suffering, that he is running around barking at everything that moves in the sky. Our house was at peace with his passing but was mourning the lack of his physical existence.

By July, none of us could handle the quietness in the house. The cat kept looking for him, waiting for him or something to make noise as he was the noisiest thing in our home. So, in July, we went back and forth on whether or not we were ready for a new pet. We went to the vet to ask about our cat and her readiness to move forward. She said, with cats, it’s hard to know, but even if she’s ready it will take time for her to get used to a new dog or animal.

We were on the hunt for a new pet. First, we thought of another cat. But the older kitten attacked our cat so we returned it and kept searching, this time for something younger. Then, I saw her, a puppy. A Mountain Cur and Pit Bull mix! She was adorable, with big round grey eyes and long floppy ears. I called and we said, to one another, we will just look. We met the owner and fell in love with the puppy. She was 8 weeks old and scared. We drove her in our new truck to her new home. As she slept the cat came upstairs, sniffed her, hissed and growled, and ran back to her spot of comfort. We didn’t know how to feel or interpret that, other than she wasn’t ready. So, we decided to keep them in the same area but the puppy crated and away from the cat’s personal space. She went to the vet and checked out as healthy and now we are 7 months in with the puppy and the cat finally tolerates her being around. I’m so glad it worked out; God is good.

Who would have thought that in 7 months, so much could happen? The chains I broke in those 7 months included: taking risks, not letting others determine and knowing my worth, knowing that I deserve to put myself first, and most importantly the chain of being physically linked to others. It feels so good to be free. I just have to learn how to remain separated.

Another powerful chain I broke: depression.

In those seven months, I suffered from depression, anxiety, and fear of the unknown. I do not think enough people stop to recognize that mental illness in those forms is very real. I tried to lift myself up and move forward but every day seemed to drag me lower and lower. Life at one point really did not seem worth it, I understand, truly understand how people can get so low. It crept on top of me like a slow shadow that settles on the ground as the sunsets. Except it was heavy, almost unbearable. I was there alone, despite family and friends around me telling me I was not alone. I did not seek a therapist, because the last time I went, we only talked. And while that provided temporary relief, it managed to creep on me before my next appointment. The medicine I took slowed me down and made me feel like nothing was getting accomplished, leaving me sinking further into depression.

So, how did I escape this cloud?

I ran like hell! I released everything I was feeling to people that I’m close to and when I got that moment of temporary relief, I outran that heavy cloud. I prayed to Jesus, focused on things that made me happy, I bought things, I made other people happy (one of my favorite things to do for people as I see fit), I slept, and I ran! It sounds funny, reading this, saying I ran but I did. If you are experiencing depression, please talk to someone and when you get that temporary relief, that glimpse of sunshine, embrace it and hold on to that feeling! Run from that cloud, pray, and if medicines work for you, then take them but you have to stay focused and hard-pressed on surviving. Many things in the world can bring you down, but don’t let it be a feeling of depression or someone’s opinion of you.

If I survived by the grace of God, you are able to survive as well. We deserve to take advantage of everything life has to offer!

In January 2022, I decided that it was time to get my sister and my business up and running. I told God that I wanted one sale by the end of January. Even though my family may not always get along, they are there sometimes when I need them. My mom made the first sale. I called her and was thrilled that we made our first sale. I was also thrilled that I learned my lessons when she was my customer. Things I learned: I would be losing money if my prices remained that low, I forgot to add taxes, and I need to take into account my vendor’s timeline on the delivery of the product that I send to them.

Now, here we are in February and I have decided to get back to writing this blog because I missed it. I decided to keep learning about how e-commerce works and growing my business as one day, it will become my primary income.

Please go to https://sahiji-gems.com to check out our online store and purchase a moment that may speak to you!